tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90307324502226890552024-03-19T13:09:20.431-07:00With Love, Truth and Scars- C.QThis mostly consists of compiled autobiographical pieces and memories of what I hope to be a published memoir. Confessional poems, in several different forms that I also use for Zine work. You may stumble upon a few short fiction stories.
Enjoy the Madness, Savor the Sense.
With love Truth & Scars
-Mary Catherine, Cowardice! Queen of the Ants.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.comBlogger82125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-71897269750888358172017-01-28T08:17:00.001-08:002017-01-29T22:54:50.710-08:00H.E-1.2.3<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br />Close your eyes, this is gonna sting a little.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;">The morning will come </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">with echoes of brevity.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">A mordant threat;</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">lacking my gravity</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span> <span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> omen in my chest</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> won't allow me to speak.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">My haphazard surgery</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Soul starving; body weak.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I unravel once more</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> Implantation for Anima</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Thought I could fix this.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> But gone is my stamina</span><br />
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Hope weakens with</span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> time</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: white; line-height: 30px;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">and hope are</span> my</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> stitches</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">best to put this to an end,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> Fuck sleeping in ditches</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">my silent immutable voice, </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">try to deny my freedom</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Don't I have a </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">choice? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">This is prison!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;"> not me, never. not in ages. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;">Stuck marching in line? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;">I've been in those cages</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;">I've served all my time.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> You want </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">peace; </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">you Speak of love.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> dry and dark well </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">where</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">they shot down your doves!?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;">You said you're </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 30px;"> </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Thirsty -</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Bitch- take it to a jury, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I have been the Sahara </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">the end and the beginning.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;">You heard the verdict in </span><br />
<b style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: white;">Creaking branches;</span></b><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Listen to truth; </span><br />
<b style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: white;">I'm still swinging, I'm that strange fruit.</span></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;"> So you snack on hell's delight</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;">God is a liar; your heaven's corrupt. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;">Knock, Knock knocked up with a tick, tick tock; </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Qu'est-Ce Que la patience?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Laughable virtue </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I never did have.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;">in comes the night, ending in cadence;</span><br />
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">So come now, come to me</span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> fast,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;">Drench me in red; </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">clothe me in black.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 150%;"> first, carve a great circle</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">upon my bare back.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpONAAp9Ff4vZsK6Z9_jefL1DxybJJ-uj433e_qXiBOoeJB-mjp-zehTazn6xkH3TJG4rV1gAodTo3PGhkwugWkoCc7hGesIDk4025WDUWny0v1myJdqryXxnno-FzE8VM97PSu0dJtQA/s1600/Fasterpussycat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="286" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpONAAp9Ff4vZsK6Z9_jefL1DxybJJ-uj433e_qXiBOoeJB-mjp-zehTazn6xkH3TJG4rV1gAodTo3PGhkwugWkoCc7hGesIDk4025WDUWny0v1myJdqryXxnno-FzE8VM97PSu0dJtQA/s320/Fasterpussycat.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span> <span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Aim for the center; </span></span><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">A swift</span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> inverted V</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">through the middle, elongated slash,</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Be decisive and hear</span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> my scream.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 107%; text-align: right;">I</span></span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: right;">n anarchy, in death, welcome the past.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: right;">See me bleed, same as you? I've bled! We Bleed!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: right;">A whisper comes with hopes final gasp,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: right;"><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />Look at bloodied trails! Walk our own path.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: right;">"</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; text-align: right;">once my darling, It was very much Alive",</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; text-align: right;">In anarchy, in death; we have met our past.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; text-align: right;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> <span style="line-height: 107%; text-align: right;"> </span><span style="line-height: 107%; text-align: right;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen.</span></span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0Bronx, NY 10456, USA40.831022399999988 -73.909527940.806993399999989 -73.950039900000007 40.855051399999986 -73.8690159tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-30081937000626344242017-01-08T14:46:00.000-08:002017-01-09T07:55:46.555-08:00Such Is The Pain... <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Dedicated To My Psychic Father,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> Happy Birthday David Robert, Bowie Knife In My Pocket.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I see her again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">She is all there is left; of shattered and seventeen. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">There is a sound of a baby's whimpering, it comes from a room very near to the one she sits in. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">She is staring straight ahead. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Her shoulders begin to tremble. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Her chest begins to rise and fall more rapidly; she sucks in all the air, contorts her face as she grits her teeth so hard they nearly crack and crumble.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Then her eyes close as she folds into herself and her whole body began to quake. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">She stays just this way for a small while.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">When she lifts her head up once more, </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">you see then that her eyes are bleeding;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">they must be.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">For she does not cry;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Not ever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The blood red rivers of sorrow,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"> of rage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The Niagara falling; disillusionments despair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Monsterous monsoon of shame and terror. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Tis’ only the bloodshed of a warrior.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now she bows her head puts her arms out to either side and grips the cushions of the sticky faux leather couch and all you see is the quaking girls blonde cropped hair covering bleeding eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I think I heard her say something as she tries to build the dam again. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">What was it? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">A barely audible,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">“Please?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Help?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">God? “<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Her strange language.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-size: small;">The babe’s sobs had grown louder as if the chord that tied him to her in utero was still intact. </span><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-size: small;">Her head jolts up and she is slamming and pounding those final bricks into their proper place.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Her stronghold, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Her barricade, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Her ancient dam is back up as quickly as it had been knocked down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">She slashes her palms across her face beneath her eyes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Not wiping away tears. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Never.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">This must be her war paint.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">She takes a breath in and holds it as she puppeteers her body upward with an unforeseen, formidable strength. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Once standing she marches toward the <b>whimpering before it</b> becomes an inconsolable battle cry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">She breathes out, but only once she reaches his crib and sees him holding onto the rails trying to balance,, his chubby knees buckling. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">He is not quite one year in a body of his own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">She smiles; </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">A faint yet genuine smile and runs one fingertip under her eye.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">“What’s wrong? </span><span style="font-size: small;">What is it, my silly boy?”</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">He wobbles his way to face the sound of his Mother’s beautiful voice he knows so well; he is the only one that ever really heard it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">They make eye contact, and for a moment, all was becalmed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">When she lifted him up and out of his crib, felt the warmth of his breath against her neck, closed her eyes, listened to that breathing and as her lips touch to kiss the golden crown of his head, they linger there</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">within his silken strawberry blonde hair. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">She inhales deeply his secret message.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">She brings his face gently to her own and holds him there;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">skin to skin.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">She contemplates a response and then whispers in his ear…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">‘I know my beautiful boy, I know.’<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Silence for a moment, another few breaths calming herself and calming her child. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Then with an assured tone of voice and a look of certainty she continues,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">“I love you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I love you so very much.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">“You are my prince and one day…</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">One day, I know, that I will be your queen. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I will be a great queen, I promise. </span><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;">You’ll see...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Then, one day…<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">You will be a King.“ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<o:p><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></o:p></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">She allows one steady crimson rivulet </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">to trickle from her eye.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Binding their ivory cheeks in blood. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} @font-face {font-family:Herculanum; panose-1:2 0 5 5 0 0 0 2 0 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoHeader, li.MsoHeader, div.MsoHeader {mso-style-link:"Header Char"; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; tab-stops:center 3.0in right 6.0in; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} p.MsoFooter, li.MsoFooter, div.MsoFooter {mso-style-link:"Footer Char"; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; tab-stops:center 3.0in right 6.0in; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} span.HeaderChar {mso-style-name:"Header Char"; mso-style-locked:yes; mso-style-link:Header;} span.FooterChar {mso-style-name:"Footer Char"; mso-style-locked:yes; mso-style-link:Footer;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0My Home, NY 10456, USA40.831022399999988 -73.909527940.806993399999989 -73.9498684 40.855051399999986 -73.8691874tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-63498004885345797642016-12-21T21:49:00.000-08:002017-02-02T11:59:32.883-08:00Just Me and Mr. X <div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"Family" is a loose term where I came from. I wish It wasn't so. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Wish your way to fluffy clouds in the sky- Hold your breath.... and you'll get there. Keep holding. </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Fight your natural instincts, always! </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You will get your marshmallow sky. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Did anyone else notice my mother always has and still to this day, </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">in her wise old age: SAYS DUMB SHIT: </span></span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For Instance-</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"YOU'RE MY LE - LE GIRL!" and "VOTE TRUMP!" </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But it's all forgiven because the "DUMB BROAD" means well.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">That was Father's pet name for her. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>So Sweet!</i> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"YA DUMB BROAD!"</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Right. She did the best she that she could...</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: black; letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Must forgive, you must.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKopsBAUQivJ6vOtZHmn1YUQs3U-xDo7fMYHcFOFLmtXQ3BoTdHoollbdRwoY3KQPXn7cdXa8_X5mZFTjAn-WIsX1sohsm5RUxy01iKP5Mk3bXugGjiEYCAibA3gZLgpUZogRBq1x4YKk/s1600/88244d63d9e4d2d597370fa0fa0c8b52.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKopsBAUQivJ6vOtZHmn1YUQs3U-xDo7fMYHcFOFLmtXQ3BoTdHoollbdRwoY3KQPXn7cdXa8_X5mZFTjAn-WIsX1sohsm5RUxy01iKP5Mk3bXugGjiEYCAibA3gZLgpUZogRBq1x4YKk/s400/88244d63d9e4d2d597370fa0fa0c8b52.jpg" width="307" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Now, wait just one second! </span></span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Perhaps it has always been a ploy, </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a manipulative skill she developed as the result of having a </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">BIG STRONG DRUNKARD, </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">U.S ARMY DADDY.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: -0.24px;">"S</span><i style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: -0.24px;">teady as stagger Frank."</i></span><br />
<i style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My Grandmother said real cool shit. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She was Sharp. A Sassy Dame. </span></span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She would have been a real gun moll if...</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Frank didn't come back from his helicopters! </span></b></span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="background-color: black; letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Salute!</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> </span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><br /></span></span></b></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><b style="background-color: black;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"></span></b></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><b><span style="background-color: black; letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Heil, Mein Führer!</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> </span></span></b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><b><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="background-color: black; letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><br /></span></span></b></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><b><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> </span></b><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"></span></span></span> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b style="background-color: black;">GOD BLESS AMERICA! </b></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> </span></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> <span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Ahem. </span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> </span></span></span><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Excuse me I seem to have been choking for some time... </span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">My Grandmother was a real WOMAN. You know what I mean by a real woman? She had Jazz: Like Marlene or Bettie Davis. That jazz. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">She is laughing with me, she laughs at fools & she laughs at the absurd. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">She, however, is polite so you can't hear her... NOT ME!</span></div>
</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">So- Where were we? Right,</span></div>
</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">FRANK the "man" man (a father) and one-two-three older brothers, </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">then out leaks this weak and sickly little squeak toy, squeaking </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">"Don't hurt me! I'm so very small, Help me! I'm Powerless!" </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">The Child that is my mother. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">She didn't even earn that title "Mother"</span></div>
</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">I AM CESARIAN!!! Brother is too</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> </span></div>
</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">The Titles.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Upper !! Mother Fucker.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">He sawed her open to let me, a full grown fetus, out of that fucking uterus. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Oogie boogie boogie! Hey, would ya look at that! </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">I'm still bloody and pissed the fuck off almost thirty-one years later. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Phew! (PRO-LIFE. WOOHOO!) </span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Thank you Doc!</span></div>
</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">"God Bless" the U.S ARMY and all our fathers, my father, ghost man, ash man, carbon man, ( Shhh, they say I've got a wicked tongue...) </span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">My mother told me as much when I was a small child. </span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Evil, mean, wicked; some of her favorite terms of endearment for the 1992 space-time version of me</span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Oh and lest we forget; Trump. yes, yes, we're all forgiven. </span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Go Play With The Control Machines... </span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Poor Mitchell. He is lost to me. You have kidnapped his personality too. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">For What??!!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">All the family you had, the years you lived for free, warm, safe, with tons of spare time, more than one free sitter to choose from, like your brother in law in New York. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">(Who, I think is a good person. I hope I'm right for Mitchell and Devin's sake) </span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">He offered to help you get into a trade or go back to school... tsk, tsk! </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">How do you look my children in the eye? </span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">I've been Wondering that. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> I know I could. </span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b>I know what the Fuck I Did and</b> <b>didn't do</b>. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Some things are impossible to forget, such is the pain...</span><br />
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> While you sat smoking pot,crunching Lay's potato chips, drinking Coca-Cola: </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b> A living advertisement for Everything I Hate</b>. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">A putrid infectious growth from the furniture or the woodwork; your sibling's couches and in their basements. </span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">What a shame. What a waste. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"></span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Living as if you were the teenager- but you weren't, were you?</span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b></b></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_nNEePDRQB-4eQN5rE_2XPDLN8-OiLuIbH0Sz8x2EPtiDZ06OUjr05PX1O-tH14_v6gnOjSel9Juk_DFqHXFOhVTecr2XwUv_vm_y53R1LVBOtpwzUfM5TBUR4GvuOZBkriiEPIOUpN4/s1600/villian.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><img border="0" height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_nNEePDRQB-4eQN5rE_2XPDLN8-OiLuIbH0Sz8x2EPtiDZ06OUjr05PX1O-tH14_v6gnOjSel9Juk_DFqHXFOhVTecr2XwUv_vm_y53R1LVBOtpwzUfM5TBUR4GvuOZBkriiEPIOUpN4/s640/villian.gif" width="640" /></span></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">WHAT A SHAM you've got going! </span><br />
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">SOME FUCKING LIFE THEY HAVE. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">The father provides, the father provides. THE FATHERS DIVIDE! </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">You like math, providing much? Certainly not financially, but the real deficit in your provisions; </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">You Neglect Them. In every way that there is a name for. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Wikipedia that you pathetic monster.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> Go see what a great job you're doing. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">There I go again, damn. Silly me, I must get that from my mother. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">These useless thoughts. But hey now! They say I have a way with words! </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">That's real nice. Some say words like Forgiven. I gave up. Forgiven? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">SSSin like a snake... I Sin! Sinning and slithering my way to that ol' river. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">What river? The East River. East River Park, near the Seventh street bridge. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Up and over- Timbo, watch me fly. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">My brother</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> knows. He knows a great many things, I love him.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> I love my children, but far too much.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> Do You See? Do You Get It? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b>GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR FUCKED! </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">I digress, whoops. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Words are only words, right? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Tell them that their mother was sane, played the piano, she was in her second year at Smith through the Ada Comstock Scholars Program when she died tragically, </span></div>
</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">the exact same way as Isadora Duncan.</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"> </span></div>
</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Give em that, will ya?</span></div>
</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">Then, I can have a little lie,</span></div>
</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">I really want one too.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;">There's my fucking Eulogy.</span></div>
</span></span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.24px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; letter-spacing: -0.24px;">- Mary Catherine.</span></div>
</span></span><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-70367124714714712132016-12-08T00:00:00.000-08:002016-12-08T10:29:12.457-08:00Decennial of Depravities<div style="text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFe0CBHf87K1DO4-BQMWEm9K4lylA1zW1IrKLvl2tG5HaQxmSDTGILuMOjSBb2SwYFreqr4jlF-C-Z2ChkuMEtGeQ7CezU8BQ0KfcmEm2uftG_MHz2AGr4lbjXVNst15Zub0QCj7GAkvs/s1600/fullsizeoutput_10b.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFe0CBHf87K1DO4-BQMWEm9K4lylA1zW1IrKLvl2tG5HaQxmSDTGILuMOjSBb2SwYFreqr4jlF-C-Z2ChkuMEtGeQ7CezU8BQ0KfcmEm2uftG_MHz2AGr4lbjXVNst15Zub0QCj7GAkvs/s640/fullsizeoutput_10b.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/-na1ImCgy88" width="480"></iframe></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 19.32px;">Raise</span><span style="line-height: 19.32px;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">your glass</span></span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: white; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><b><br /></b></span></span> <span style="color: white; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><b>Hoist the flags</b></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="color: white; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><b>In the bygone celebratory fashion.</b></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: white; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><b><br /></b></span></span> <span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>Onslaught-</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>let it go girl</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>endure girl</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>suffer girl</b></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>shatter girl</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>glue girl</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>persevere girl </b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>treacheries girl</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>sidewalks girl</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">down </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">in your place girl</span></b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>crawl beg lie steal girl</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>mother fucking fiend girl</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>you get the fuck up and march girl</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> </span></span><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3QR-cpBq-RI/V3oNzj7VjQI/AAAAAAAACsU/LsPneMp5fwgDdUgT1ARDypFKVW6NPiPHwCPcB/s1600/IMG_20160601_045206.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b></b></span></a><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b style="background-color: black;">Debased-</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>a decade's depravity</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>arrogant willful </b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span></span> <span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">no </span>god damn<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> idea</span></b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>child.</b></span></span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3QR-cpBq-RI/V3oNzj7VjQI/AAAAAAAACsU/LsPneMp5fwgDdUgT1ARDypFKVW6NPiPHwCPcB/s1600/IMG_20160601_045206.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: black; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3QR-cpBq-RI/V3oNzj7VjQI/AAAAAAAACsU/LsPneMp5fwgDdUgT1ARDypFKVW6NPiPHwCPcB/s200/IMG_20160601_045206.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></div>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b><br /></b></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><b>Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
</div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;"> </span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0New York, NY 10013, USA40.7217861 -74.00944709999998840.697717100000006 -74.049787599999988 40.7458551 -73.969106599999989tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-79637445806845959392016-11-24T18:56:00.000-08:002016-12-21T17:45:27.020-08:00This Dark Fall<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpFirst" style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPh12FShdvN75jL1c8IKUSCvU1JUFRZIDrM_nKEjzL8XIJfMVMRFFVTMU5AM0cx0XNhfTpjLwr8hFtyc5LD-poELaIb1Vti9BP8FR_JLpbHXiHUKAI8FbbKdjF-Sa3O38IfgQrSE3l-eQ/s1600/asabove.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPh12FShdvN75jL1c8IKUSCvU1JUFRZIDrM_nKEjzL8XIJfMVMRFFVTMU5AM0cx0XNhfTpjLwr8hFtyc5LD-poELaIb1Vti9BP8FR_JLpbHXiHUKAI8FbbKdjF-Sa3O38IfgQrSE3l-eQ/s400/asabove.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /><iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/DzT-HC9Z50E/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/DzT-HC9Z50E?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: none; tab-stops: .5in;">
<br />
<br />
It's over</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: none; tab-stops: .5in;">
I own it</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: none; tab-stops: .5in;">
It’s mine.<br />
O Dark</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
November</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Of two thousand sixteen-</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">A dead zone</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Talk to me!</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Where am I</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Can't you hear Me?<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Dreamt I was in hell</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I can't leave it</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I woke up</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I’ll do anything for it</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Opened eyes</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Cracked mind</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I am alive</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1dnKWcNG4Z-lrVWbslwvb9AbLTPeoaSJPSWFJ5G-pZZyrY7eSOUA42cMy-Dk7o12fAJF8LrvmwevxkiCfxnixqWTy8_tatfZGsdg0-hwyXIWo3K0fNPIr3pvnlhFRAljlnJgvRfzBaio/s1600/journeytotheendofthenight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1dnKWcNG4Z-lrVWbslwvb9AbLTPeoaSJPSWFJ5G-pZZyrY7eSOUA42cMy-Dk7o12fAJF8LrvmwevxkiCfxnixqWTy8_tatfZGsdg0-hwyXIWo3K0fNPIr3pvnlhFRAljlnJgvRfzBaio/s200/journeytotheendofthenight.jpg" width="156" /></a>No tears or saliva</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Only raw</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Cold blood</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
It’s filthy</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Dry</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Heart brain skin and teeth;</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Far too sweet</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Braced for impact</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I adore it</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
One thundering beat</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I’m staying<br />
Shouting</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Victory!<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I’ll never leave</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I’ve been here before</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
It’s inside me</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Doorway's here</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
It’s so cruel</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Closed</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I open it</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I have it</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I see now</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I love it<br />
For the first time</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
<br />
This living lie<br />
The shoe fit</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
I own it</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
It's mine.</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
<br />
O Dark</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
November</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
Of two thousand sixteen-<br />
Can't you hear me?<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; text-indent: 0in;">The darling of the dead</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
<br />
It’s over<br />
I own it</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
It’s mine!</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpMiddle">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNoteLevel1CxSpFirst" style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_KHgv-S1Thyphenhypheno9gGiHr3EOGSFWZNui-Q4FQArZ4s3FWnPhYnMIaWc1SZnWucwkxQrxFhk0y6iU1Jy1tBdsoLRwUS1zOj-oGUeqRu-gopQIYckhk6WKiJwX8qqzTTw8o7eoj6smH0QmSR8/s1600/6940248485a8dc01b87973140953a6ba.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_KHgv-S1Thyphenhypheno9gGiHr3EOGSFWZNui-Q4FQArZ4s3FWnPhYnMIaWc1SZnWucwkxQrxFhk0y6iU1Jy1tBdsoLRwUS1zOj-oGUeqRu-gopQIYckhk6WKiJwX8qqzTTw8o7eoj6smH0QmSR8/s320/6940248485a8dc01b87973140953a6ba.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
-Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} /* List Definitions */ @list l0 {mso-list-id:-227; mso-list-template-ids:-1722649458;} @list l0:level1 {mso-level-number-format:bullet; mso-level-style-link:"Note Level 1"; mso-level-text:""; mso-level-tab-stop:0in; mso-level-number-position:left; margin-left:0in; text-indent:0in; font-family:Symbol;} @list l0:level2 {mso-level-number-format:bullet; mso-level-style-link:"Note Level 2"; mso-level-text:; mso-level-tab-stop:.5in; mso-level-number-position:left; margin-left:.75in; text-indent:-.25in; font-family:Symbol;} @list l0:level3 {mso-level-number-format:bullet; mso-level-style-link:"Note Level 3"; mso-level-text:o; mso-level-tab-stop:1.0in; mso-level-number-position:left; margin-left:1.25in; text-indent:-.25in; font-family:"Courier New";} @list l0:level4 {mso-level-number-format:bullet; 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margin-left:3.75in; text-indent:-.25in; font-family:Wingdings;} @list l0:level9 {mso-level-number-format:bullet; mso-level-style-link:"Note Level 9"; mso-level-text:; mso-level-tab-stop:4.0in; mso-level-number-position:left; margin-left:4.25in; text-indent:-.25in; font-family:Wingdings;} ol {margin-bottom:0in;} ul {margin-bottom:0in;} --> </style>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-62330555621671597802016-11-22T16:25:00.001-08:002016-12-07T18:14:13.948-08:00The Hell Before the Fury. -Interview Exerpt 2011-<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://www.martindiegelman.com/Projects/26/1" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgboDisMFZ-0E0qDMqUUGXgeMyIVmUG7CZFEeUIkrW8gpeF8e6IhQuVSIX5zn_WGaNOSlj3ruixc5oF2sGJkj84YAUP2D9kMqUH4IMPNkbtfB5dw36baWFUzWQOQINchB8jvqYGPyVb32M/s640/vilestofknaves.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/7CIOzYYPfuQ/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/7CIOzYYPfuQ?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></span></span></div>
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<b style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;"><i> Did you guys do anything special </i></span></span><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;"><i>for Valentine’s Day?</i></span></span></span></b><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I was alone on Valentine’s Day. We weren’t really together-</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">together on that day. Actually, my </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">valentine was an overdose.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><b><i style="background-color: black;">Oh. Fuck</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;"><b><i style="background-color: black;"><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Yeah, I was on cocaine and heroin. My dealer gave me a gift </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">by giving me $70-worth of coke when I </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">had only bought $40. I figured I would just push this as far</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> as it will go. I put it all in the cooker at </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">once and shot it and I had a seizure.</span></span></span><br />
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<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><i style="background-color: black;">That sounds painful.</i></span></strong><br />
<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><i style="background-color: black;"><br /></i></span></strong></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I actually came out of it feeling pretty good and wanted to </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">do it again. Nobody else wanted me to</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> though</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span> <span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: white;">They took care of me right there </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">the seizure didn’t last long. Mark wasn’t there that </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">night — I was hanging with my dealer and a couple other girls.</span></span></span><br />
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<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><i style="background-color: black;">What was Mark’s reaction?</i></span></strong><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He told me shooting cocaine was no good and he asked me </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">to stop because it’s crazy or stupid. You </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">know, the general caring reaction.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> </span></span><br />
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<a href="http://www.martindiegelman.com/Projects/26/1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMx5DKSKLdBWxihIyqOCAlmNdq6htAPMn__4c4mhUsf0hn9m2Eidp0NO_kGXkpT9ecHMWDM15W5sb1k0Kso_yl2XC1Frw2eKCstp6nw357cuKxf8Ehq4N695tDnepH3nJuAe0iij3qkgw/s640/hellpreFURY.jpg" width="640" /></span></span></a></div>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> </span></span></div>
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<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">A<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>re you going to miss sleeping next to Mark tonight? Or do </i></span></span></strong><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></strong> <strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><i>you think you’ll find him?</i></span></strong></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Well, we agreed to meet up at 10 o’clock on St. Mark’s and </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Second Avenue, and if he’s not, he’s in </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">big trouble.</span></span></span></div>
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<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><i style="background-color: black;">Do you think you guys are going to work it out?</i></span></strong></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I totally see us having a future — if we left New York </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">and/or just generally got off the drugs </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">and tried </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">to do the right thing and live a good life — the </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">way we were meant to… </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">or the way that </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">would be most conducive to our happiness.</span></span></span></div>
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<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><i style="background-color: black;">Why can’t you keep the love and the drugs?</i></span></strong></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Because they make people someone they’re not, and Mark is </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">not a selfish junkie who lies; Mark has </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">become that because of the life he needs to live to maintain </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">the drug usage.</span></span></span></div>
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<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><i style="background-color: black;">How do you know that about Mark if you’ve only known him </i></span></strong><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></strong> <strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><i>to be a junkie?</i></span></strong></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Everyone has their light and everyone has their darkness, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">and his light shines through occasionally </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">when the drugs aren’t as prevalent. The drugs have kind of </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">taken over right now, but it doesn’t mean </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">he has to be that way the rest of his life. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><i style="background-color: black;">-Interview by Peter Madson in 2011-</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><a href="http://streetcarnage.com/blog/word-on-the-street-hows-your-relationship-going/#comments" style="background-color: black;" target="_blank"><u style="background-color: black;">Full Interview</u></a></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0New York, NY 10013, USA40.7217861 -74.00944709999998840.697717100000006 -74.049787599999988 40.7458551 -73.969106599999989tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-28597644032723490062016-11-22T08:01:00.004-08:002016-12-06T09:57:01.281-08:00Matchstick Boys<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://www.martindiegelman.com/Projects/26/1" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzpJ3M7da7qd6OjpiXq5e7ONJoj1uxTNPRQyC0hSHQ-7o3a9teFlLeHMyaVaumV1WhFTghMb8Xu9AdXDtFM4Q9mpizqCtpyRxdEgs_o6h-WPx6UE_G03WKNI32aq3TRwTDJCL0qIcoZ1A/s640/matchstick.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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My love;<br />
a matchstick<br />
drenched in tar.<br />
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flickered for a time,<br />
I know my darling...<br />
I saw</div>
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That sad, peculiar heart,</div>
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You ghost of a flame. </div>
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Now pained;<br />
To watch from afar;</div>
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This precious, frail, matchstick boy<br />
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alone<br />
Suffocating<br />
fading in the dark.</div>
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<br />
- Mary Catherine, Cowardice queen</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com1New York, NY 10013, USA40.7217861 -74.00944709999998840.697717100000006 -74.049787599999988 40.7458551 -73.969106599999989tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-29353206079406913142016-09-15T18:30:00.003-07:002016-11-20T16:24:46.015-08:00Invective Against Bourgeois Fleas <div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/98/53/4b/98534b3a31ebe05bbb65539a6bbed4ce.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Tar by Joana Broß: " border="0" class="pinImage rounded" data-load-state="pending" data-src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/98/53/4b/98534b3a31ebe05bbb65539a6bbed4ce.jpg" height="320" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/98/53/4b/98534b3a31ebe05bbb65539a6bbed4ce.jpg" width="278" /></a></div>
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Woe to Narcissus -<br />
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Would you look at her Go!</div>
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This lesbian, American</div>
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thinks she's Arthur Rimbaud!</div>
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I demand you to speak!</div>
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Why come to my city?</div>
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You repulsive sycophant</div>
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from mediocrity!</div>
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You must Confess it,</div>
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For I know of your kind;</div>
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That's '<a href="http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nostalgie%20de%20la%20boue" target="_blank">nostagie de la bou'</a> -</div>
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You parasite of minds!</div>
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Kick rocks and farewell-</div>
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Have I made you that sore?</div>
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You'd already deduced us</div>
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to the folk of your lore.</div>
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You're uninvited.</div>
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My mind's not yours to glean. </div>
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You can not know the filthy</div>
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with your hands kept so clean!</div>
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You're a bourgeois Flea;</div>
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A depravity fiend.</div>
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lowly me; my city's streets.</div>
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Cease! No time to be weaned.</div>
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Entrenched in my Docs,</div>
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You may find what you seek. </div>
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Just come down from that high horse.</div>
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Then I'll kick in your teeth.</div>
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Welcome to New york!</div>
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Now that is how it's done.</div>
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Or, I suppose you could say</div>
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"<a href="http://www.linguee.com/french-english/translation/juste+punition.html" target="_blank">Une juste punition</a>."</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
- Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</div>
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-Press play-</div>
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Let that soak in.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-62498637717701751802016-09-12T23:33:00.001-07:002017-03-07T17:48:13.978-08:00This Bitch. ©.Q<div style="text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/40547366-mary-catherine" style="color: #aaaaaa; font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none;">Mary’s quotes</a></h3>
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"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."— <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/3565.Oscar_Wilde" title="Oscar Wilde quotes">Oscar Wilde</a><br />
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<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/quotes" style="color: #382110; font-size: 10px; text-decoration: none;">Goodreads Quotes</a></div>
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<div style="border: 2px solid #EBE8D5; border-radius:10px; padding: 0px 7px 0px 7px;"><h3 style=""><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/40547366-mary-catherine" style="text-decoration: none;color:#aaa;font-family:georgia,serif;font-style:italic;">Mary’s quotes</a></h3><br/><div id="gr_quote_body">"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."— <a title="Oscar Wilde quotes" href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/3565.Oscar_Wilde">Oscar Wilde</a><br/><br/></div><script src="https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/widget/40547366-mary-catherine?v=2" type="text/javascript"></script><div style="text-align: right;"><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/quotes" style="color: #382110; text-decoration: none; font-size: 10px;">Goodreads Quotes</a></div></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-19543408622019287042016-08-17T14:57:00.002-07:002016-11-20T16:35:43.815-08:00To My Daughter<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Dear Devin Jade,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #999999; color: white;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/K5KAc5CoCuk/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/K5KAc5CoCuk?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></span></div>
<span style="background-color: #999999; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I know that You love this song.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">I paid very close attention to you when I saw you last.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">you are so precious. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">I studied you. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">My thoughts are many...</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">I know where to start. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">I</span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;"> love you.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">A small sentence; yet flows with a wild power when spoken by someone that truly means it. </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4viX9JX-bg1SWcOsbRHs4C0EbV-RlVLItXJJ2FK9_NpyHGSBVr99AZgMfipsttHbOK92MmZ4gEjYqhDws6dnKqYDbsmq0SWRZxvwIpT2Bui5ZWcMsTHwPKGsnrrCXL43gBlWQI0ezS2A/s1600/devinanimated.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4viX9JX-bg1SWcOsbRHs4C0EbV-RlVLItXJJ2FK9_NpyHGSBVr99AZgMfipsttHbOK92MmZ4gEjYqhDws6dnKqYDbsmq0SWRZxvwIpT2Bui5ZWcMsTHwPKGsnrrCXL43gBlWQI0ezS2A/s320/devinanimated.jpg" width="251" /></a><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">It is one of the most important things one could say to those we feel that way towards. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">So Say it as often </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">as you think it. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">But only if you truly mean it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"> Saying I love you is similar to an apology, both statements should not be used carelessly.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">To love is to not only appreciate but to cherish.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;"> I believe that we, all people, should always try to love everyone equally. That is a different kind of love, called “Agape Love” * That is a difficult attitude to obtain and maintain, some people spend a lifetime or more than one, depending on your beliefs,</span><span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;"> to love all people with equal benevolence. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">I believe it is something to always strive towards. After all, each of us is suffering. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">We are breathing in the same air;</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"> bleeding the same color. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">I paid very close attention to you when I saw you last.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;">you are so precious. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;">I studied you.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;"> My thoughts are many...</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;"> I don't even know where to start, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;"> I'll try.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;">I see how sensitive you are, how aware.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;">I wish I could shield you; from anyone or anything that causes you discomfort. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;">but, we know that is impossible.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;">When someone hurts you;</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;">try to keep in mind that there is always more than what meets the eye, Always a backstory...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">So Many frightened, disappointed and lost people. Sometimes it is those who seem to have everything you wish you had but never did; </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">A super mom and dad who give a limitless amount of love, affection and support? </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">Or maybe a girl at school who seems so perfect. Perhaps she always has the right clothes, perfect smile, says the right things at the right time, makes everyone laughs, all the girls seem to want to be her and boys want to marry her. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">but... Could there is something behind that?</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">Perhaps inside she feels trapped like a puppet being tossed around having to perform for everyone. Suffering is not always visible, but it is a guarantee that each of us suffers in our own way. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">There are going to be times when life may seem unfathomably harsh and without logic or any justice. “Fair?” I urge you to dismiss the word.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">Real life is chaotic, unpredictable and will seem to lack any logic. So, the word “fair” is useless. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">Please know one thing my child, those that feel pain deeply, love passionately, live with ferocity; they see beauty where others see nothing at all.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"> theirs are the hearts that fill with love and compassion.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">A heart like yours.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1yHcgZmuLGLejZOfwgUOeui_elCRjm7D__SveSsKqmtgCZzpe2MffFO3Y9GVmmLHvfURAlUthYqkU7mpSxNJb5D_R1ayFitRGCdKf57uTHAAXGWbw-_EHV26M7Zt3mCwt19balbRbZIQ/s1600/8fbdc0e9717b98914ade5bca7cd9f929.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1yHcgZmuLGLejZOfwgUOeui_elCRjm7D__SveSsKqmtgCZzpe2MffFO3Y9GVmmLHvfURAlUthYqkU7mpSxNJb5D_R1ayFitRGCdKf57uTHAAXGWbw-_EHV26M7Zt3mCwt19balbRbZIQ/s400/8fbdc0e9717b98914ade5bca7cd9f929.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">Use your gifts.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">express those things whenever you feel them. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">The sensitive, the intelligent and the highly creative are the most likely to sense these things; it is more of a gift in the end and not a curse, though it may not feel that way sometimes.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">I want you to know that I think of you every day and I miss you terribly. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">Know that you have a mother in N.Y.C that loves you unconditionally. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">I hope you know that you can talk to me with any question or problem you have.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">I am here for you.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">I Love You Devin Jade & hope and pray to see you soon. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #eeeeee;">Your Mother, </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;">Mary Catherine. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;">~ Vocabulary ~</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: #eeeeee;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">*<u>Agape</u> - </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: #f3f3f3; font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;">(Ancient Greek: ἀγάπη, agápē) is "</span><b style="line-height: 19.2px;">love</b><span style="line-height: 19.2px;">: the highest form of </span><b style="line-height: 19.2px;">love</b><span style="line-height: 19.2px;">, charity; the </span><b style="line-height: 19.2px;">love</b><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> of God for man and of man for God." Not to be confused with "philēo" – brotherly </span><b style="line-height: 19.2px;">love</b><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> – agápē - embraces a universal, unconditional </span><b style="line-height: 19.2px;">love</b><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> that transcends, that serves regardless of circumstances.</span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-35855172028767441072016-07-05T13:12:00.001-07:002017-01-15T02:07:47.622-08:00Three Women; Two poetic collaborations of mind.<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Created June 28th, 2016</span></span></div>
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<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/c5sqs1AB0-Q/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/c5sqs1AB0-Q?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">The First;</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Only have one heart;</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Split hemisphere of</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">cold Appalachians.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Glaciers of blue sky,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">with one open eye;</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">The third that has seen. </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4IhQG-rM6NwcoEWb4ogjUGl59OQMhe6S1yBClSo3wYZZREZDTFLKx1tDqk4dPq-_OydYgV7ECzaCouC17Sy8RDUWXrFNG6tHiyGsIL_nWQzFrdjNXjHNq2zSGvoniYnB80urxJi868rg/s1600/split+hepmisphere.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4IhQG-rM6NwcoEWb4ogjUGl59OQMhe6S1yBClSo3wYZZREZDTFLKx1tDqk4dPq-_OydYgV7ECzaCouC17Sy8RDUWXrFNG6tHiyGsIL_nWQzFrdjNXjHNq2zSGvoniYnB80urxJi868rg/s400/split+hepmisphere.jpg" width="252" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">We watch the downfall,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">black leaves fall on fields;</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Foliage of malice,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">ashen covered. One</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">blaze scalded the need.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">To hide deep beneath</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">fear, discord, and rage;</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Avalanche within,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">doom’s dive. As Above,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">so below. Waiting</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">only to comfort</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">The dying, sleeping</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">masses. Call or Scream? </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Senseless, we will dream</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">till we are ready.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Pour the milk from breast,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">stolen daughters tears;</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Mothers hell fury.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Only one heartbeat;</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">The sound… it’s nearing.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRRn4IYk55wu0EhtEIhbdR34UXOxk2WkvGgH7SmV8hAywsYdDqLZsg9aCmZdeF-5PkQyCEAxsClgxbqreyFWnZ3SvUF7zTahowxUPcKXGFFCystQXYXISf4JOMTKUEsrvrmqmMeOVtMz0/s1600/IMG_20160827_190846_059.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="165" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRRn4IYk55wu0EhtEIhbdR34UXOxk2WkvGgH7SmV8hAywsYdDqLZsg9aCmZdeF-5PkQyCEAxsClgxbqreyFWnZ3SvUF7zTahowxUPcKXGFFCystQXYXISf4JOMTKUEsrvrmqmMeOVtMz0/s200/IMG_20160827_190846_059.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen & M. Elizabeth Barrett.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Later that evening...</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Which direction will the sun fall?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Toward the place all lost things are returned. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Where do you go when you die?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">To face the scars and the beauty; The realm of truths long forgotten, of enlightenment.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">What do you fear most when you arrive there?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">That there is something essential I have forgotten.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">What have you forgotten?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6O5siJGa2zIrMYYidf9R6rBxFkdTDaXxFBvWam9MJW1xZzkyWtyr_0cmASWSNF9HwimxhZBsg2Durt9VMVRKMu7hqcChMt1u7m5ZTsc-MycSd7o1tSQVLSbabtQe3Kd3udG-Mvvj1fvk/s1600/scar+museum.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6O5siJGa2zIrMYYidf9R6rBxFkdTDaXxFBvWam9MJW1xZzkyWtyr_0cmASWSNF9HwimxhZBsg2Durt9VMVRKMu7hqcChMt1u7m5ZTsc-MycSd7o1tSQVLSbabtQe3Kd3udG-Mvvj1fvk/s320/scar+museum.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I cannot speak of what I do not know. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I will tell you only of what I was reminded;</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> Connectedness, light, circles; to love selflessly.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"> Selfish acts are the roots of the trees that grow upside down and rot.</span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Have you ever seen a child in a woman’s body?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Yes, I see the child drowning in my eyes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Is your body a scar museum?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Of course… Is yours not?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibK-4xgwwLxLEl5Q_PfO83FtMzRz0eFSqoxp3nAO9B1YlgjNzL4U9QJP-J2TjfFzPNvoCSgV_3xfpEoDxG2y0PqiDQJNYaLRoIJdIYACaDuJwGSoLd_eXtRnyiyYQDUAIrZlIea397asQ/s1600/IMG_20160606_220811.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibK-4xgwwLxLEl5Q_PfO83FtMzRz0eFSqoxp3nAO9B1YlgjNzL4U9QJP-J2TjfFzPNvoCSgV_3xfpEoDxG2y0PqiDQJNYaLRoIJdIYACaDuJwGSoLd_eXtRnyiyYQDUAIrZlIea397asQ/s200/IMG_20160606_220811.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5_13oIRmczRxMAlChsLhFYuaMCgbIHsQanzww7fOjJxfWKgotCtj1QMySoUcHfa96YhvocOCwogxr5oeVe48NC9CD5pwsGtLI1k9frpiDtRdTy2Rw3vRnJN9E8awyVxrJtbsfVKlUDhY/s1600/IMG_20160606_213913.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5_13oIRmczRxMAlChsLhFYuaMCgbIHsQanzww7fOjJxfWKgotCtj1QMySoUcHfa96YhvocOCwogxr5oeVe48NC9CD5pwsGtLI1k9frpiDtRdTy2Rw3vRnJN9E8awyVxrJtbsfVKlUDhY/s200/IMG_20160606_213913.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen & </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Erin Mae Burley</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com2Lower Manhattan, New York, NY, USA40.7230084 -74.000632840.6748714 -74.0813138 40.771145399999995 -73.9199518tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-42765361090986356772016-06-06T03:33:00.002-07:002016-06-06T04:07:50.575-07:00Bolts From Core: Sparring with words<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Xp1hRS-tH50/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Xp1hRS-tH50?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">The demand in me will take control;</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">This prostrating power.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Builds stealthily, then surpasses me;</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Intent of secrecy.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Feels like blood rage, burns like my gin days. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Only smoke, I'm not blind.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3_jHPi3yhv0ZvA-BOUCRiyaHGGG-KykZ4tx9AaNStrwPGcbOIF9AT6aHIvAaDaJhIFrnv50fLvkatGqAHklsHaodEFQFV7EOG-b9wPEgxMOy8kRO0ykOS7863g8z59F-Vg8DjnU8Ulc4/s1600/2boltsfromcore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3_jHPi3yhv0ZvA-BOUCRiyaHGGG-KykZ4tx9AaNStrwPGcbOIF9AT6aHIvAaDaJhIFrnv50fLvkatGqAHklsHaodEFQFV7EOG-b9wPEgxMOy8kRO0ykOS7863g8z59F-Vg8DjnU8Ulc4/s400/2boltsfromcore.jpg" width="231" /></a><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Hear the crackle, the adamant hiss; </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Rattling the eardrums. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">This quill will slay you, tear out your truth;</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Bleed me till I'm dry.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">But this here, this is maniacal; </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">More savage is the need.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">(I write so I won't kill you.)</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">From down below, would they look up? </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">received only with contempt.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">From the onslaught of blow after blow;</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Debasements strike lingers.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Let them lay upon the blizzard stones; </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Winter is more cruel each year.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Wake them up choking before sunrise; </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">The toxic yokes of shame.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Vile yank up from throat, expelled through mouth; </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Daily exorcism.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">(I write so you don't have to.)</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">With callused hands and grime beneath the nails;</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Deaths eye's, cold and vacant.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">All reflection has no resemblance; </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Forgotten anima.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">All that was precious, once held so dear; </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Values, love. truth, all pursuit.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">So insignificant and careless; </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">a matchbook or a sock.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">(I write so I don't kill you.) </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">The comfort rots us inside out;</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">No vanity found here.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">A secret unforseen, my scars shed; </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">A reptilian me.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Open the cage to bestial wails; </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Tis' only just begun.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwXvOn5LsckPiQONYbNyh-1atpAACABAmWMptP0wtpum_zvEZstwlikoOpI1KcOBYqYMLkWfYj-77LE-gdzfeH4fSgGuRQXCustEHCKGv6Fq1iqwskzXi6juNavc26oN6obkRkUZ3oJKQ/s1600/1boltsfromcore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwXvOn5LsckPiQONYbNyh-1atpAACABAmWMptP0wtpum_zvEZstwlikoOpI1KcOBYqYMLkWfYj-77LE-gdzfeH4fSgGuRQXCustEHCKGv6Fq1iqwskzXi6juNavc26oN6obkRkUZ3oJKQ/s400/1boltsfromcore.jpg" width="301" /></a><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">That sweet music is a symphony here; </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">The dregs of remembrance.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The prodding of all I have endured;</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Kindles all I've witnessed.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Did you hear the click, clank of the latch?</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">See my steel, smell her smoke?</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Blood runs cold yet wild is our fire;</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">We ravage your refuge.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">(I write so you don't have to.) </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">My brethren the lost ones;</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">We fallen seraphim. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">The rage of the downtrodden now rise;</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Flank us in formation.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Bareback and bare-chested, bolts from core; </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Mute scream for love unborn. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">(We ride so you don't have to.) </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen. </span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-32895731647519774912016-05-18T16:01:00.000-07:002016-09-13T07:30:33.406-07:00 2nd Ave Churchyard: Memorium <div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Friday the 13th of May</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> Graveyard 'Exquisite Corpse' Prose</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span>
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<span style="background-color: black; line-height: 22.4px; text-align: start;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">" ...The idea of primordial unity related to something existing in or persisting from the beginning with such force or qualities it cannot be extinguished..."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; line-height: 22.4px; text-align: start;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: black; line-height: 22.4px; text-align: start;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">~ Kids fuck in graveyards?</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">All day and all night.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">They tantalize the corpses,</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">in her imaginings while</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">concrete scabs lock the</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">wounds of Rape Way,</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">that ugly alley that</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">you thought you wanted.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Dumpster fruit, kisses, narcosis.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Oblivion is unattainable fantasy;</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">snake swallowing its tail,</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Ouroboros come to me,</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">give what you suck!</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">(and he sucked all)</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">my favorite whirlpool, </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">my </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">only lover; </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">a corpse </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">grasping </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">at kids fucking...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">One horror is preferable. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Another is debris, fragments</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">that I constantly puke</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">on to your grave,</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">you pitiful man, undead!</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">This won't hurt</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">at all he said,</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">his eyes inside out.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I pray mine close. ~</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">& </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Erin Mazer Burley</span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-82638053720248604492016-05-15T18:03:00.004-07:002016-11-20T16:25:32.756-08:00Sestina Renaissance<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Sestina Renaissance</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj962PFoWIFXOzVrEzEnEid3TyaammARsuwakBPAJ22sJBRgDbHnVKCbY4y9CFsdhmQMEq3Oelte81YN8WKkqTTbIccm2gdHAkaE48PWmVJLCy50x8FrvsvkGteN0evoPQet-aJuP_P8ks/s1600/sestina1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj962PFoWIFXOzVrEzEnEid3TyaammARsuwakBPAJ22sJBRgDbHnVKCbY4y9CFsdhmQMEq3Oelte81YN8WKkqTTbIccm2gdHAkaE48PWmVJLCy50x8FrvsvkGteN0evoPQet-aJuP_P8ks/s400/sestina1.jpg" width="267" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was the thirst. Living as thirst; dried up, lonely and withered lust. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What a fool, what a wasted life; body alone; piss, vomit,
bile, my ruin. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A brutal display to my ignorance of true value, no means to redemption.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pleading to a taunting flicker, my contemptible tears; this
betrayal</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
of a true self. This wretch (false self) who lived as I!
Safe to predict </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
they knew her too well. Casting shame; I bled shame, anguish, now fatal?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What horrific calamity is this? A pathetic display of D.O.A, that final
fatal </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
sip. Pupils? Gone, I don’t see; and the slow burn to boil cold blood. That lust,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
give me more, waking sleep, apathy, and unearned nirvana. Poor fools predict </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
this came at no cost. The steep sum of my errors: an irrefutable
ruin </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
everlasting. A mockery of value and principle; long lost,
now only betrayal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Crane and wolf, Snap jaws, take my idiot head, I expect no
redemption.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With tremulous phantom limbs, shriek and sing for your
redemption.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Vanishing, that flickering light, perhaps galaxies, or only
the fatal</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
toxins between us? I couldn’t know. My thirst! My Bounty! My
betrayal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of god, of truth and all mankind, I had no reverence, no
thought, only lust </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
for alternate reality, and different realm; Now I’ve found
it, fallen to ruin.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sixteen years of atrocities, turning away in conceit. What
did you predict?<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Will the feeble cerebral exercise prove inadequate in what
they predict?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Small, simple creature; the errors are numberless, that’s not
redemption.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Living with cognizance, truth and forgiveness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not here, not now, in ruin.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wish I could pity you, truly I do. To be mortal is a
brittle wing, so fatal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not only for you, but all mankind and kin. You met death,
life full of lust</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
so valued. You have cheated yourself out of nirvana too soon
with betrayal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
What do you know of such things? Come, tell us of nirvana
and of betrayal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What mockery you made of your values, did you ignore, could
you predict</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the consequences,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>that would inevitably come from an insatiable lust?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Give you more. A poke in the arm or the neck, now you seek
redemption!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On your way down, you knew those poisons you consumed were fatal!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You knew you were rushing to the door, a gateway to only your ruin.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The hypocrisy, inconsistency and fascism you found in church;
is a ruin</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
made of steeples and shame. It does not belong to you.
Another betrayal, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
that one; to the Gods. Follow simple universal truths, then
your fatal</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
mortality, your innate humanity, is nothing to fear. You can
safely predict </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
living in those truths, the soul recognition truth, is the way
to redemption.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You lack nothing, whole and complete, you are! An imaginary
need; lust.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Since conception your condition was fatal, a finite
mortality. If your ruin</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
is what you desire, it will wait. Lust for truth and you
will find no betrayal.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Only through this death; I predict the magnificent possibility
of redemption.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj9aUbUGK-P7tHhyuShpQRIqWPEVcf4OtioLmhu9V3MeRWdzyBVLKC6t6p-Z2goxbxGsYowwLqLJRCHNkFABpYlqIfPIpg_poTWk2ppUVXc9UNCSVYA5O6sVlmk0fJS09dGBWPcmnRUig/s1600/sestina2.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj9aUbUGK-P7tHhyuShpQRIqWPEVcf4OtioLmhu9V3MeRWdzyBVLKC6t6p-Z2goxbxGsYowwLqLJRCHNkFABpYlqIfPIpg_poTWk2ppUVXc9UNCSVYA5O6sVlmk0fJS09dGBWPcmnRUig/s1600/sestina2.jpg" width="396" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-31528304030972378242016-05-14T23:48:00.000-07:002016-11-20T16:35:43.839-08:00A Transcribed Narrative of 'The Between'<div class="MsoNormal">
I can hear this marching,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How I knew I failed – </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/z7rxl5KsPjs/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/z7rxl5KsPjs?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With sound- then rivulets -the dark would come – </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A door I kept avoiding – </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pleading with gods because I knew I failed<br />
but never why – gooey, black rivulets of tar</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
seeping through that door, seeping through</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
where the hinges were –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
darker darker darker –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
silent mercy cries –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
tiny light flicker taunting,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
not to guide, it’s how I knew</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I failed – like the sound made </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When someone dies, the death toll – </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The varied tests – decisions to save</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This or that person – </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This young beautiful girl – with a man,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was revealed she was his mistress,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They both died in a car crash,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Illusion of her innocence stripped away, (that’s how I knew</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was real because they were total strangers, how could I
know)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They were two souls passing through</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the realm between worlds when I was, several others, not all
at once-</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of many (tests?) – loyalty test, patience test,
perseverance test –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“how long til she collapses from exhaustion?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
they were relentless with their digging – and terrified,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
what was I doing wrong? Maybe a childhood imprint –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
when the light I couldn’t look at went away – a darkness</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
not to be believed, an entity underneath the darkness,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
light, lush grass and full blossoms wither- receding under
that dark – </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
stuck in a tunnel, they’re drowning me, to test my will to
live,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
a flooded sewer system – a maze – rising water – move move
move – </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got out – but – anyway – eventually succumbing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To spiritual exhaustion like invisible ropes,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They slowly lowered me – surrounded by blank morose people –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lost souls? – watching me being lowered on a pulley – they
were people</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From many ages, watching in the bygone fashions of all eras
and regions –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Someone (merciful fellow soul in limbo?) pointed me in the
direction</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To go – then I Came Back? – after hundreds of failed
tests –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In soul trouble, doomed – I gave up on the taunting tiny
flicker –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRpJZ_zA4McI83dS4dzu7QS6akxNHNMQGJKWmGW6TOmP_mDCVWXm-KxWHwcGJgJH_Q3kOlAm7QnC8bnYyp3oLFwVBU8Yja_FvjHh8YK5YHtaUygm4tDLw0K7XUT6_byJZWtmTAJiT1tPw/s1600/the+between.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRpJZ_zA4McI83dS4dzu7QS6akxNHNMQGJKWmGW6TOmP_mDCVWXm-KxWHwcGJgJH_Q3kOlAm7QnC8bnYyp3oLFwVBU8Yja_FvjHh8YK5YHtaUygm4tDLw0K7XUT6_byJZWtmTAJiT1tPw/s400/the+between.jpg" width="282" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-The deities expected <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me</i>
to figure it out</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And they kept leaving me to grapple alone –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wasn’t prepared to go with that thing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where all was and was not – the nonexistence</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of fear and suffering but everything else too, a force</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
More powerful than the dark that wouldn’t stay with me –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I kept failing – I’d see people I knew, to test where my
loyalties laid –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was told my daughter was in an accident, car crash,
urgent,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But all my street friends were going to die – had to choose
–</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The government was going to blow up their squat,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instant demolition, Nickels was in there – had to choose –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I knew war songs by the time the EMT was there –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My body foul but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I am
not in it </i>– I’m singing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These nothing battle songs I could’ve never heard before –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I said, “Lights in my chest, long as they’re there I’m okay,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They’re guiding me,” (the nurse didn’t understand)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thought I saw a rat</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it was darkness</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Chasing me –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Melodically humming then the hospital –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was wearing my Zeus T-shirt – </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Holding it, a circle not a circle –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That sound, those sounds, those eyes –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Manipulative eyes – speaking in language</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I somehow understood – tricking me, being something</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
they weren’t – they said I had to do</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
ihis One Thing,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
and that this thing, and not the light, would protect me –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
they did a ritual, they were all dressed in ( I don't know) Asian attire?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’d never seen before in life, closest thing I’ve seen were those monks</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
over in Chinatown asking people for money for this or that</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Noble Cause, they concealed what/who was behind them,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
didn’t tell me whole truth of what was behind – I shrunk
back</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(if the spirit can recoil in horror that is) finally I saw
it –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
couldn’t look away from its eyes – such power over me –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
it revealed its non-genitals – “Now take of me" - don’t
know</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
how I got away – O my God – that’s what I’ve been doing?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So wretched, so horrified, and it tricked me, it wore</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gold, shining, necklaces, the false ornaments </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of another world, like industrial chains, false bright</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To seduce me with how easy it was (undeserved respite?)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The light off him came from artificial source –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Male not female, they were all male, those taunting beings</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Giving me the test, lusting after me obscenely, awful, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There was even one when I was supposed to save</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A demolished building – I chose wrong – “my daughter </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
doesn’t want to see me anyways” they all fucking died, all
my street friends –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I chose wrong – anyways – severed corpses, dead after all,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nickels- other streetboys, friends- that I knew from real life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It speaks to you in your own language see?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The thing behind all others, hidden- </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the circle’s movement -</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
sounds like helicopter blades whipping through wind –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Force yourself awake! Thought it was a dream</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I couldn’t wake from it – </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thought it was D.T's but it wasn’t –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Horrifying – no one will believe this –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just toxins in my brain? – everything.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dark damp dreary – like being under a ship, moist,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Unpleasant, there were no smells –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Straw perhaps? everywhere, straw beds, people watching me –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On straw pallets, they were not scared or sad just watching,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
another one fall- a human form. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pulling me downwards past them – </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
humming that odd between worlds song
–</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I didn’t keep humming that song (chant?) making those
circles</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With my hands, then this golden light</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That still kept me bound to life –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some ancient shit –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Would snap, darkness kept chasing me –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Language doesn’t do it justice</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even if I use my entire lexicon-</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was just was far more vast – no words –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have to use simplistic words –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Words that don’t quite cut it – </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They are just closest words</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To describe-</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
everything </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
how the blossoming light would vanish and why.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everything it touched became so pure, pretty –</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pretty’s the wrong word but there isn’t a right one for
this,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p>---------------------------------------------------------------------</o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What was the trick? The darkness? Or the light beneath?</div>
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All I know is they were in total opposition.</div>
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Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Transcribed by Erin Burley</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-53024632252412682232016-05-14T10:05:00.001-07:002016-09-13T07:30:33.408-07:00MARY CATHERINE- By Robert La Force<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/zlBvOqByK0c" width="480"></iframe></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-74107182534099601022016-04-25T03:08:00.000-07:002016-09-13T07:39:47.136-07:00Gasoline Rainbows<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/cQW9yrYtjEw/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/cQW9yrYtjEw?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Flaccid lips slap banal tea, o<span style="text-indent: 4.5pt;">nly the body is in torpor.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">The mind has spoiled the night, t<span style="text-indent: 4.5pt;">hat stillness has no true name.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Angst, I understood as part of me, an accepted<span style="text-indent: 4.5pt;"> useless appendage. </span></span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><span style="text-indent: 4.5pt;">My sixth toe on the left foot.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><span style="text-indent: 4.5pt;"> I</span><span style="text-indent: 4.5pt;"> feel the weight of its existence; s</span></span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large; text-indent: 4.5pt;">ecret callous of torment.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large; text-indent: 4.5pt;"> And h</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large; text-indent: 4.5pt;">eavy are the steps of trepidation</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"> mammoth is a heart hindered .</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; text-indent: 4.5pt;">Oh sweet purity of long ago and forever after;</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; text-indent: 4.5pt;"> </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; text-indent: 4.5pt;">I remember your name!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Your esemplastic chords pull me close, leading me home. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">You linger near the quiet,<span style="text-indent: 4.5pt;"> tender haunting, an eternal murmuration,</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><span style="text-indent: 4.5pt;">it starts like this, a patient crescendo.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><span style="text-indent: 4.5pt;">“Come. You will see.”</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: black; text-indent: 4.5pt;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: black; text-indent: 4.5pt;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Four piles of ash of ages ago, just yesterday.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: black; text-indent: 4.5pt;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: black; text-indent: 4.5pt;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Bound upon your
stage for a cruel audience you try to ignore.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">The only set of keys is in your back pocket look and you’ll
see.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Shackled there, the entire world is an insipid shade of grey. </span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">The gasoline rainbow, a complete ignorance of colors existence.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Still have an attachment to that script, that misery is familiar.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">All those creatures, those destructive and misplaced demigods.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“Shake and
rattle the cerebral to wake the sleeping spirit!”</span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">If only she could save herself. “To what end?” the fool
asks.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Storm clouds give way for more agreeable conditions in time.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">“Rejected” in a thought, in spirit “Ejected”- to higher places.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Incessant chatter, intermittent chatter, "Phone call, line
two!".</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">The arrogance,
so futile, so exhausting and I would like a seat.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Remembrance
that life is one visit to the cinema as spectator!</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">To leave limbs
and bones behind and bear witness; up and out. </span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Time does not
exist in this place, it fades away; all save the beat.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">You know how to
express your existence, once in your solitude.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">You breath, you
feel, you see. You are a creator, you exist.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">The great suffering and contemplation to simply breathe.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">To have for a
time, a unification with unsullied territory.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Grains of sand
beneath her feet; all is malleable and enveloping.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">When I am the
child, frightened child, what am I to do with her?</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">“Forgive" reminds me with the first wave to kiss feet.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large; text-indent: 4.5pt;">In the all quiet, the midst of glass shattering screaming cells.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">It is beyond
tangibility; the berating torture of the ego- deafens.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">It starts like
this, speaking through silence, a whisper,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit; text-indent: 4.5pt;">"Come. You will see".</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: -4.5pt; text-indent: 4.5pt;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; font-size: large; text-indent: 4.5pt;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-34048707562683101232016-04-19T00:53:00.001-07:002017-01-12T21:15:47.268-08:00A Very Odd Year<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /><iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/2MRj2T8jz6g/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/2MRj2T8jz6g?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">My arms akimbo, I stand with burning eyes at a picture of me as an innocent. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I study the golden rivulets of hair that cascade to the base of crooked spine and the painted, on standby pseudo smile that I've already mastered.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I contemplate your year of birth. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> The very the same year Adolf Hitler died.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> an odd combination in the year of 1945. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">How many times must I remember? </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">I want to be Jessica Rabbit. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Fleshy lips, jutting pelvic bone to the right and swinging, golden hair. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Victoria’s Secret's were mine before I was even in grade school. Dancing for Daddy's friends at the bar age approximately eight. I don't like it when you kiss me on the lips. That's not fucking normal. Tony said so. I saw him pretend he didn't see when you smacked me on the bottom. I am twenty-one years old and still afraid to tell you that I don't like that. I wave and give a fake smile as my boyfriend and I drive off. A real number you did on me Terry Randall. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">(I think of the photographs.)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin2AGynWTOvPppDlNd7KMT5hkannDOCteMR0MNVim01cQN37z4aoGl_mR6l2cU317T3UCNGqju_-p2qQBHTGUxpdeEiFGciey1m4XyDQ9HyeUG6FHeWEaj0fonxPitlUZ0hgrJzge-QbY/s1600/death1945.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin2AGynWTOvPppDlNd7KMT5hkannDOCteMR0MNVim01cQN37z4aoGl_mR6l2cU317T3UCNGqju_-p2qQBHTGUxpdeEiFGciey1m4XyDQ9HyeUG6FHeWEaj0fonxPitlUZ0hgrJzge-QbY/s320/death1945.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I loved Marilyn Monroe and Betty Boop. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> (I want to be loved by you, I am </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">mini skirts and smile, smile, sing!</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">) </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">My hair was still damp and clung to my back. The outfit is obscene, one of many that your girlfriend made. She works as the dressmaker and seamstress for the strip club her daughter works at in West Palm Beach. I'm only eleven in these pictures, wearing a skirt that has a slit that goes up almost to my pelvic bone. My legs are crossed. Someone tells me to lean my head back. (Why do you cry when you listen to John Lennon's Imagine?) Put your hand in your hair Mary and lean back a little…. Okay. Now just a little turn that way… Right there, hold it…. That's my girl! Good... all right now look at the camera (vacant eyed stare). </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Perfect, that was great baby! He grabs my head and kisses the top at the roots of my hair. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">(I smell the booze).</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> This is what a good 'girl' is. An error occurred in the brain of an eleven-year-old girl.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUga5uSuBQuTp-XvcbYUAX7zIwQZ_lHP5cEFAtsV3eWMh7q9_CGfzTzb5BcuZBgQolUK-ss9yJ6fWETIjMc2FHtEd7SZAZ8Cgniae2MBrNWfz1NyyVYC2Z3Fvf_Pv_XCq50ccvpb3H0qI/s1600/norma+jean+selfportriat%254012yrsold.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUga5uSuBQuTp-XvcbYUAX7zIwQZ_lHP5cEFAtsV3eWMh7q9_CGfzTzb5BcuZBgQolUK-ss9yJ6fWETIjMc2FHtEd7SZAZ8Cgniae2MBrNWfz1NyyVYC2Z3Fvf_Pv_XCq50ccvpb3H0qI/s320/norma+jean+selfportriat%254012yrsold.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">A little attention, a touch of rouge, some of her father’s paltry affection and the rare gem of praise. That was all it took, she cut that red tape before she even had the red visit. This is what one ought to do. "Your life is over." This is what you say after not seeing each other for five years. I am seventeen and I introduce to you my infant son. You were always so funny though, like George Carlin. You sang like Sinatra, a crooner Mom had called you. We sang together. You made up the most fascinating stories! You told me how beautiful I was and showered me with attention and compliments during the weekend visits. You had your girlfriend sleep on the couch and me in your bed. You did that. That was real. Not a good combination. Just like your black coffee, ten cigarettes and five screwdrivers-eighty percent vodka- twenty percent orange juice all before the noon. Not good for you. You’re dead now, a corpse man, ash man, a couple of years I guess your carbon now. You were born the same year that Norma Jeane was discovered... An odd year, that 1945.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-51781410892728178942016-04-17T22:53:00.002-07:002016-11-20T16:35:43.861-08:00To Rectify with the Departed<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Dearest Grandmother,</span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> </span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Ms. Mary Francis Roberts,</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I am writing this letter because I
am trying to stay sober, to understand, acknowledge and take responsibility for my harmful behaviors so I do not ever repeat them again. I am finally
trying to do the right thing, I am trying really hard grandma. I love you and I know for certain that you loved me. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I have
written and vocalized it before, but you truly are the only one that every made me
feel genuinely loved. I have few memories of my childhood, yet every one I have of
you, is warm and pleasant, yet my remembrance is bittersweet. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHoadS6ivgyLi1_5tD5i91nKQ1iQkXCsqhyphenhyphenrjbXKMyGGsYJc8VHl41pSlu0gk5wS9UEp11CdGGaMiss6PSNaAFd2sMZK01FLykJylYzsBeMaLneiLNCRlTpnU1kg0fn2lK5CRyjXxsayo/s1600/Amens+to+the+departed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHoadS6ivgyLi1_5tD5i91nKQ1iQkXCsqhyphenhyphenrjbXKMyGGsYJc8VHl41pSlu0gk5wS9UEp11CdGGaMiss6PSNaAFd2sMZK01FLykJylYzsBeMaLneiLNCRlTpnU1kg0fn2lK5CRyjXxsayo/s320/Amens+to+the+departed.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">That is exactly why I am writing
this letter. I want to apologize to you. I do not know that you feel angry or
hurt, or disappointed now, but I know that I have regrets. </span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">The end of your life I
was fifteen years old and spiraling out of control. Seeing this must have been a bit
like watching your most precious cargo spin from the sky in a downward and
doomed billow of smoke and having no power to stop it, stuck as a pained
spectator... I wish I had spent that time getting to know you better instead. So many
questions, so little time.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: white;">I apologize for being so</span></span><span style="background-color: black; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: white;"> selfish. I spent your dying days off on my own nihilistic, self-destructive storm. I wish I could take that time back. I suppose many people could and quite often do, reflect on their lives and think “If only I did this rather than that” or “If only I had
simply known…” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> T</span>he truth is we
cannot know until we know, however long, by whatever means. Why all the suffering in between?</span></span><span style="background-color: black; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: white;"> How much torment and pain must we endure and inflict before stumbling upon this precious bit of wisdom.</span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; text-indent: 0.5in;"> I suspect that we will never truly know the answer to that, not while we're stuck in these bodies. I only pray I cease to harm others and myself in the process of what is
left of my fleeting life. All things are fleeting, all lives are fleeting, like
catching a snowflake only to watch it dissolve.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: white;">I am only thirty but my health is quite poor for my age. I have an infectious disease called Hepatitis C with a rare genome. I currently take two very strong medications that are attempting to rid my body
of this virus. I was also diagnosed with stage four cirrhosis and nearly died
in August 2014. I am taking medicines to do what a normal liver does. I would die if I didnt. the doctors made that perfectly clear. You may already know all of this, Perhaps your spirit was in the
room with me when I was in purgatory, when it happened. </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; text-indent: 0.5in;"> Perhaps you tried to help me. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; text-indent: 0.5in;">I survived,
but far from unscathed. </span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; text-indent: 0.5in;">In case you do not know already, I’d like to tell you what
happened, what I did, what I failed to do and what became of me.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Shortly after you died, your
daughter, my mother, gave her parental rights away and I was in state custody. I lived in and out of what they call now group homes, an orphanage.Then a little less then a year after I was impregnated
by a man ten years my senior, the first when I was just sixteen. It was a boy. I gave birth to two of his children. You have
several great Grandchildren now, Cousin Lisa had a baby as well, thankfully her marriage
was out of love and maturity and the child will have the blessing of growing up
in that environment.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mitchell and Devin are my children’s names. The father made a cruel and spiteful decision when he absconded with them from FL to New York. My
beautiful son was not quite three years old and my daughter was still nursing
at my breast. It was beyond traumatizing and I did not handle it well. I worry
for Mitchell now as he is now about to enter his teen years, in the same way I
can only assume you worried for me, A trouble in his eyes, a heart broken too
young, a boy who seems very confused and boiling just beneath his surface with
anger. <span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I wish I knew what to do to help him, I wish I could ask you. I only know
that I can stay sober. I simply must at the very least do this or else nothing will be
accomplished. I can do my best to take care of my health and my serenity so I
can be emotionally available to them.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> I wish that I could ask you why I was always so sad, so angry,
so lost, so frightened? What happened to me grandma; to have made what was once whole shatter and peirce? </span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Please forgive me for
causing you worry and perhaps emotional pain while you where still within your human body. Help me to do this, watch over me please. Sometimes I
think you have been. If that is the case I hope there is no suffering where you
are, so you only saw with a loving detachment<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> me kill myself and slaughter what was left of my spirit for all these years. </span></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: white;">If you are not an angel yourself,
please send one to me so I can do this. I need strength; I need to know what
you loved about me. I need to know how to love. I apologize for not being the
granddaughter you deserved, perhaps I will make it up to you now, if I survive
this.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I always loved you even if I did not know how to show you.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I still love and need you, perhaps more now than ever before. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcWlVmdgn-bSLL-kgntvmcvzeEvEIDwogWDc3tRYV9I_1XqxAaLA2Ul8op18m8MCnkHd4ts_VOb360rop453nPjtERsBz_Fgd7uyafdRRFS0doCZ7QfvbxQ5Um0sFtqUtFn3ATwAaxGyQ/s1600/from+this+realmtoyours.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcWlVmdgn-bSLL-kgntvmcvzeEvEIDwogWDc3tRYV9I_1XqxAaLA2Ul8op18m8MCnkHd4ts_VOb360rop453nPjtERsBz_Fgd7uyafdRRFS0doCZ7QfvbxQ5Um0sFtqUtFn3ATwAaxGyQ/s320/from+this+realmtoyours.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; text-indent: 0.5in;">I like to imagine that you able to see somehow that I am not in distress anymore and that you rest easy. For you to finally see me smile with my whole heart. To one day, see me feel joy, at peace with myself and to witness me love another as I still have yet to do. </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; text-indent: 0.5in;">If you can somehow sense me trying to communicate this too you, then perhaps you can assist me with this endeavor.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; text-indent: 0.5in;">For I believe you would agree that it is right and it is good. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Forgive me for all my youthful selfishness. </span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Your blonde haired and blue-eyed granddaughter;</span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">who still </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">walks this lonely planet.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> Who </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">bears the name of you and your sister.</span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">With love, scars and truth, </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">from this realm to yours,</span></span></div>
</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Mary Catherine</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> Cowardice Queen</span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-26332653547231670562016-03-10T16:14:00.004-08:002016-12-08T17:20:56.346-08:00This Wretched One; We Chosen... - S. Of C.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/kCWQAkH2Ois/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/kCWQAkH2Ois?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> Oh heavens, oh sweet nirvana, oh lush forest untouched by man's lust and greed. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Please hear me!</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> Oh please, I crawl, I beg, all that is kind and gentle, let me simply lay, humble in your warmth for a small while... </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB0_G6uXSIplHH078nhm8urgmaQtVO3NTc0Nk5X-RoxdD-4Cou9waHqe9zWmXdWF8cRI95V6tFF1akyc4951YxlWR0WYyocgGTE_PsZowWYCv2GbPhBcGP3Wg0GotAck8RpHCWCCe0ZNY/s1600/5f04f7d06878886a0fc80507d3458221.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB0_G6uXSIplHH078nhm8urgmaQtVO3NTc0Nk5X-RoxdD-4Cou9waHqe9zWmXdWF8cRI95V6tFF1akyc4951YxlWR0WYyocgGTE_PsZowWYCv2GbPhBcGP3Wg0GotAck8RpHCWCCe0ZNY/s1600/5f04f7d06878886a0fc80507d3458221.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Lest we forget... </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> This half dead valentine for </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Asmodeus again? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Never!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUExdtKralgS0hItX3LuXrHHlfjRCL21Px6deE0l48V9MR2oFYmLQv6VVGSXswTqVrCB-PWvHlUgG8W8lxGUOfICveixnOanjvCx73w23nTA2um2JwsJ2O-cdQJXtmWpFb_4cOdUcwQFU/s1600/Lilith_%2528John_Collier_painting%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUExdtKralgS0hItX3LuXrHHlfjRCL21Px6deE0l48V9MR2oFYmLQv6VVGSXswTqVrCB-PWvHlUgG8W8lxGUOfICveixnOanjvCx73w23nTA2um2JwsJ2O-cdQJXtmWpFb_4cOdUcwQFU/s320/Lilith_%2528John_Collier_painting%2529.jpg" width="168" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> I was his new Lillith, laid upon the ground just waiting to be taken, bathed</span><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> in layers of bile.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Thirteen months pregnant, his poison full blossomed child. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I had spread my lusting, eternally thirsty lips to him, not knowing the extent of his endowment. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I feel his wet slithering up the my thigh, down my throat, choking, I choke. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">He has come to me before, what will become of me... if I returned to him? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">If I die tonight, who will greet me?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I will eschew him, at all costs, I must. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">He will not have me. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Through and through there is no end to the penetration. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">It is an eternal brutal fuck by a beast like no other.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> I swear I will be in recondite academia, living in all that is truth... </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">will be kind, I will love without want of love! </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I can surely try.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I swear</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> that I shall! </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I will have a daughter born of my goodness and name her Justine. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">She is within me, beautiful wild and blazing fire! She will stay inside. No mortal man put her there. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Only in dreams, in dreams I am able to recall that I was once a child.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> All glimmering innocence for the iris. Whatever became of her? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">No more. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Oh the screams, no more I beg. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Out of whose mouth, what orifice shall be one's sacrifice!? </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">These wretched sounds. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I pray to many gods and goddesses, I pray and yank on the golden thread that pulled me back from his claws the last time we met. The antithesis of thee, is what exactly? </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">You vile creature, you who knew my lust for oblivion and had bested me tenfold. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I shall try and be love incarnate. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Oh! I am mortal and he knows my weakness well. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">He seeks to torment me, he gains pleasure and power whenever it occurs.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> I had come abhor the former very early on.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">A contemptuous</span><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> ignorance inside left me particularly susceptible to him. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Very easy prey, once again. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Yes, Uriel, I see you. I saw you. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Even through the pitch black. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I saw.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I wish to be soldiers together, you and I.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> We will destroy this putrid</span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> curse wherever we sense it. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">We will rip him from the throat, the vein, the pipe of my fellows, the chosen.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> I can not see him take another that I love.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> Not again my golden thread, please, not again.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-73141632337479992542016-02-04T20:06:00.002-08:002017-04-21T10:12:56.195-07:00The Squat is on Fire - Second draft.<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">- If you see an asterisk next to a sentence or a word you do not understand or that you would like to know more about, see the bottom of the post for a </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">glossary</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> and other annotations I have created for this purpose. - </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">~ Please keep in mind all names are changed in memoir excerpts and these are events as only I am able to recall them. ~</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Waking again with the same familiar formidable feeling, I shrink back at the intrusive sunlight coming in from behind me. I sit up and reach for my backpack. I dig through all the works* I have in the front pocket. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I find a rig* that appears to be the best bet*.</span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I grab my bags from my bra. I keep them wrapped tightly in the cellophane from cigarette packs to keep moisture out. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> I fix up my shot. I have decent light in the mornings. I needed that light to find my testy veins. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">They liked to duck and dodge.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> (Smart little fuckers.)</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> I think I used the vein on my wrist then. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This was before I had to resort to Maverick hitting my neck. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I got straight, just as I did every day since my habit had formed, not high, just straight. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Then I heard him begin to whine about not having a wake up, again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Just an average morning on the basement floor. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Our private suite of the abandoned warehouse that Maverick and I were squatting. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">It is almost impossible for me to know exact dates for events that took place during the time I was on the streets. Which was from the early Spring of 2009 to January of 2015. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">When you are out there, time only matters if it means that money is coming. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Whether it is the coming of the holiday season, rush hour, the lunch break kick downs* or the monthly government assistance we abuse by cashing in food stamps at the L- spot. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Time truly does equal money in the junk world.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I happen to know for sure that this occurred sometime in the Spring of 2011.*</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">So as I said, Maverick told me he was sick. He may pretending to be, as he did often, merely to get more inebriated than he already was. He said he was so sick that he couldn’t even spange* up enough money to get well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At this point we had been together almost two years, so I had heard this innumerable times. Although I felt he was without dignity altogether was contemptuous of him already. I went on to and hustle up an extra twenty bucks for his measly habit*. This was in addition to the two bundles* of dope* that I did just to maintain my habit each day and feel normal. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Which typically consisted of three to four shots a day. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">It all depended on how good the shit was, what it was cut* with and how long the legs* were. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I rarely got high, perhaps a moment of peace.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I walked in a shroud of apathy that only became thinner and thinner between injections. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">All the while the pressing need to replenish my body’s invading life force, commanded me to move.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As much as I would like to say this was the last time I helped him in some thankless manner, it would be a lie. This was still relatively early on in this relationship and I still believed he loved me at this point. I also felt that if I was indeed sick and needed help, I hoped the same kindness would be shown to me. That never ended up happening though.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I simply never put myself in that situation. I never had to ask a fellow junkie* for help.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I was taught early on in the game that your habit is as big as your wallet.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I lived my life by the junk* code then. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Always making sure my habit was taken care of. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">It wasn’t only my first priority.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> It was the only one I had then.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">It turned out to be a troublesome day. The two connects* we had been going to were both out and needed to re up*. So, we had to go through a middleman. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">This particular middleman was a friend of mine. I knew him longer then I had known Maverick. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">This young man's name was Danny. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Danny is no longer alive today. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He was alive then, he was always a friend to me and always up for anything. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> In addition to helping Maverick, it is common practice to break off something to whoever gets the connection, so I had to give him a bag or two as well. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Once we were somewhere in Brooklyn waiting to hear back from Danny’s connect,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Maverick began vomiting on the platform’s tracks.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He was leaning on a pillar, too weak to support his own weight.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I suppose I must have loved him. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I saw him suffering and I felt compassion and empathy. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I stroked his back and told him to breathe, and told him that he would be well soon. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">We were going to be well soon...</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> “Soon” is never soon enough when you’re dope sick.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Once</span> Danny left, Maverick and I got straight* inside the first bathroom that would let us in. I had my wake up separated and ready for the morning, as was my ritual then. Maverick had stolen from me many times before so I learned to hide it and alternate where I’d stash it. On this night I had hidden the five bags, my wake up, inside the one-inch wide pocket, behind my front pocket of my jeans. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I accomplished what I had set out to do, and then some. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">All I wanted to do was get on the Brooklyn-bound L train and go ‘home’ to the Warehouse. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">There were several of us squatting in that abandoned warehouse within five large floors. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Some rode the rails*, crust punk squatters but most were N.Y.C street kids*. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Also known as home bums* fixtures of N.Y.C. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The Dirty Kids. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> As one of my friends calls it, a "Door Nail".</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">- That’s my team. -</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Despite the numbing effects of heroin, I was drained physically and emotionally. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Hustling wasn’t easy for me, I always made sure I had what I needed, that doesn't mean it is easy. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I managed to make it look as casual as a civilian swiping a metro card at the turnstile. For me, my hustle was just another way my unfortunate knack for disassociation came in handy. I looked right through civilians without them noticing the vacancy. I had to, in order get the job done as gracefully as I could. My mouth moved as I spoke lies convincingly. My hand went out with the palm up and the cash fell right in. Then into my pocket, then the dealer’s wallet. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Then through the epidermis barrier. Forcing and fishing through muscle tissue into my arm, neck, wrist, ankle, foot, wherever I had to. Anywhere veins were to be found<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I discovered them and destroyed them with no thought of later consequences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">By the time I had squeezed through the upturned corner of back gate of the property, on my way towards the entrance we all used I wanted to check the hell out. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I wanted to fuck, to express my love him. often these were hand in hand acts I couldn't differentiate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">To fuck until neither of us could think. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I loved the way we fucked, he had a way with a G-spot. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I was insatiable. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He always made me cum, usually more than once.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> He would never allow himself to orgasm before me. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Some nights, down in that basement, candles lit around the bed we shared, (which consisted of stacked Sheetrock with a ground scored* mattress on top) I would usually cum two or three times. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">There was a running joke in the warehouse then, “What’s that noise yo?"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> "OH, that’s just Maverick and Mary fucking again.” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Laughter would commence. It would be said nonchalantly and matter of fact, but it was humorous to them, slightly embarrassing for me and I could detect conceit in Maverick.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">As If he were the sole reason for such uproarious copulation. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I do think some were envious of our sex life and I know that many of the males were baffled by it. </span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Those were the best fucks I ever shared with him possibly because of the privacy.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I digress within all this remembrance.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">After sex, he kissed me, played with my hair and told me how beautiful I was... </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He swore he would never steal from me again. He put particular emphasis on how grateful he was for what I had done for him that day. He told me just how much he loves me after I offered him two of bags from my own wake up so that he wouldn’t wake up in the same position again tomorrow. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Post-orgasm, after a proper amount of time, Maverick walks away. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I’d assumed, if anything, to take a piss in the Gallon jug we have in the far corner. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I start rummaging through my backpack for my pack of cigarettes and lit one up and put one on the side for him.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">See, Right here... It should have been clear to me then.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> That he wanted someone to take care of his habit for him. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I wish I saw his warped idea of his role in our relationship.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> A kind of codependent junkie Oedipus complex. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Maverick was a boy child in an adult man's body. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Who I dare say, was even more of a coward then I was. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">That was something I just could not allow myself to see. </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I simply could not handle it. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I chose to see what I was able to and blinded myself to a great many things. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">All to protect whatever sense of safety I had imagined was there. </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> whenever I had moments of clarity such as that,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I did have them often but they were so fleeting.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would immediately set out to silence thoughts and emotions. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Numb and go, cop* and go. Wake up, to tune out. Guzzle down the booze till you pass out. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Swallow the brave pill or push the plunger down! </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">On and on we went. That’s what I did. That’s what he did. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">That is what everyone I surrounded myself with did. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">All of us were but looming shadows of our lost and former selves. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Now in one big, abandoned, concrete warehouse in the middle of Brooklyn.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I placed his cigarette down and glance over to where I have put my wake up. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I had taken it out of my pants pocket out of fear it might get lost in the blankets.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I see that it isn’t where I had left it. </span><br />
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">My heart started pounding.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I think “No! No, no. Not again. No Fucking way.” as I sit up abruptly and pick up one of the candles. I carefully examine every square inch of the Sheetrock, which served as our nightstand.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I search my bags. I looked in my Jeans pocket again. I thought perhaps I was mistaken. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Perhaps I hadn’t taken it out and put it behind me so I could give my body to him, no.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">It wasn’t there Of course, it wasn’t. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Now only a rush of ferocious emotions. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Shock, fury, and betrayal but beneath that; fear. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“Maverick!!” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I try my best not to sound too angry. He is like a dog that way. "Come here boy, come on!" then, after you put their nose near the piss or shit, you express your displeasure.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I had hoped he hadn't shot it yet. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Maybe, just maybe, there may be a chance I could stop him before he does something he surely will regret. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">No answer, only the echo of my own voice. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I put down the candle, pull my tee shirt over my body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">I pick the candle back up and </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I locate his boots and stuff my bare feet into them.</span><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I begin to squint into the dark where I saw him walk over to </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Where we keep that piss gallon, by the window.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I already have bad eyesight. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I take a candle with me and carefully but quickly stomp towards the corner. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I am hardly breathing, my eyes are wide open and my adrenaline is climbing.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I see him and his back is to me. I call out his name, once, twice, he doesn’t respond. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I walk around to face him. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I see his eyes are slits, pupils pinned to the back of skull and knees buckling beneath him. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I try to breathe.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> “Why didn’t you answer me? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I called you like five times…"</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> “ I can’t find my wake up.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Will you please help me look for it?” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">A mumble; “Oh shit yo’… For real?” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He attempts to open his eyes and they seem to assess my expression. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I suppose he must have seen how artificial my gentle tone was by the look on my face.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“Yeah, um, just give me a second babe.” </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He always me called me 'babe' when he was doing something shrewd odeceitfulul. I hated that... </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Babe.</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I knew what he had done. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">then with a pseudo curiosity, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“What were you doing back here?” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He sways on his feet while fighting to keep his eyelids open. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“Oh, I uh, had to take a shit, that’s all babe” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He reaches out to stroke my back and I recoil.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> "</span>What did you do Maverick!"</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“Whatha’ fuck is your problem yo?”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Okay. Fair enough, what is MY problem? Let us ponder this a moment.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Ladies and gentlemen he had to take a shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An opiate addict had to take a shit. *</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">A shit that left him so euphoric and empty he can hardly stand up. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Let alone keep his eyes open or formulate coherent sentences. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">My wake up must be over there somewhere where I undoubtedly have misplaced it. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Yes, of course! Because I can be so careless with my sole need, my sustenance, my everything!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Now he is going to help me find it! </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Everything is perfectly fine...</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Fury takes me.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I smack him across the face as hard as I could. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He hardly flinches and mumbles something like “Crazy bitch.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He makes his way towards the stairwell and up then begins to walk up them. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">This began to make me panic even further for a couple of reasons. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I did not have any allies inside the warehouse. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Most of the people in the squat did not know me very well, if at all. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I relied on Maverick in that regard. Though I did not need a squat to stay in.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I had survived two winters including a blizzard on the street by myself already. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Maverick wanted me to stay there with him and I liked it just fine. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">No cop's. A good amount of privacy. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I kept to myself when I was there and when I wasn’t, I was out hustling*. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I didn’t exactly consider making 'friends' with other street kids or anyone for that matter. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Heroin took precedence in nearly every aspect of my life at that point. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I never was much of a social scene kind of girl anyway. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">At this moment I wished I had been less icy towards them (in time I did).</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">At this point all I know is that he has taken what I needed. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">What was mine and more than he even required! In addition to all I had done for him on this day. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I knew I was utterly fucked. I was afraid at first, then only enraged. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I knew I had to leave immediately. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I had to go and hustle up more money so I wouldn’t be sick in the morning all over again. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I got dressed in my own clothes and put my backpack on. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">My thoughts were repetitive and loud. They came in and ran me through and through.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> A volcanic flood took me down and it sounded something like this:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“How could he? Who the FUCK would do something like this? Fuck, fuck, fuck! What am I going to do? I need to leave. Leave now, while there is still money to be made. Now, I have to go now. I need money. I can always tell ---- what he did, she will give me a front, she knows how he is, what he I like, she will believe me… I will have to pay her back. No, no, fuck it. I will leave right now and make the money while I am still well. FUCK!!! I cannot fucking believe he did this to me! I am such a fucking idiot. How could I have believed him? What kind of fucking idiot stays with a guy that would do that even just once to her?! This idiot. I am that girl. Oh my fucking god! I am that girl!!!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I am a goddamn doormat he wipes his feet upon.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> How could I let this happen? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">How did I become this?! </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">That’s what he must think. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I stayed with him and now he thinks he can treat me this way. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">NO. NO. NO. NO. NO!!”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">All these thoughts, this madness while pacing and packing up my belongings along the way. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I am about to leave until I saw our bed. </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I turn back around and look at the bed we shared together. The bed we shared on which many lies were told to me. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The bed where I had just given myself to him again, in more ways than one.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> In more ways then I had intended to give any man ever in all of my life!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">All I felt was rage and panic much more rage. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I picked up one of the candles and put the tiny flickering flame against the sleeping bag.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> <i>I wanted to burn everything I had known </i>of <i>him to ash</i>. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Symbolic? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Sure... but madness to act upon. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I suppose that I was indeed quite mad.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg7U2I5pWPJ60X036JInO5z40uhngtnRLwnrwEZ08Lxc30u0KR53X3BZ0SGykvaGUB_mQKZq_7esXMIliXy_BQimAZwAZkc5vWLROZU4x5yJYdSMrWNeHnVwX-DEl2y-P-uG09SlEcmv4/s1600/mad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg7U2I5pWPJ60X036JInO5z40uhngtnRLwnrwEZ08Lxc30u0KR53X3BZ0SGykvaGUB_mQKZq_7esXMIliXy_BQimAZwAZkc5vWLROZU4x5yJYdSMrWNeHnVwX-DEl2y-P-uG09SlEcmv4/s320/mad.jpg" width="212" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvokflIEjsLXavS9VpwWx3rgyYbGU9iHXFJrFvICd5c5SBHk39w4tzDlJaLYgoPt9V4JXxx_g_6jq2sBTDfPGGnU1D6v1MpKD2I5J8_9NkUjonQHz5IsIJdbiW6uO-2f80phNbLzSxuUI/s1600/huge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvokflIEjsLXavS9VpwWx3rgyYbGU9iHXFJrFvICd5c5SBHk39w4tzDlJaLYgoPt9V4JXxx_g_6jq2sBTDfPGGnU1D6v1MpKD2I5J8_9NkUjonQHz5IsIJdbiW6uO-2f80phNbLzSxuUI/s320/huge.jpg" width="223" /></a> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Before I could blink twice, the entirety of our blankets and sleeping bag were engulfed in a flame. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I didn’t think it would grow so fast. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I had never set anything on fire before this, except things like a letter or a picture. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">This was huge!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> My adrenaline was blazing as well. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I was not done yet. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I ran over and grabbed the nearly full gallon of piss and poured every drop inside of his pack.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Then I threw it with all my strength against the wall. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I then snatched up his carelessly discarded needle I spotted, a visual aid for the betrayal, and I stabbed, repeatedly, his stupid “GOD BLESS ANYTHING HELPS ” cardboard sign.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Then I left the needle sticking straight up in the center of his sign, still boiling over with fury. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I wanted to stab him, cut him up. Dump the piss in his crooked nosed mother fucking face! </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Burn him alive! Anything at all to make him suffer the way I was suffering. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The only thing that stopped me was remembering that he has hit me before.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> So he will surely do it again.*</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The room was beginning to fill with smoke. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">On my way out, I had a brief moment of coherent thought.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> When I reached the stairwell, which was next to the exit. I called up as loud as I could “FIRE!” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I only heard a few mumbles. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I could only make out “What the fuck is her problem?” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">So I called out again, “FIRE!” louder this time and it was met with “Shut the fuck up bitch.” </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I lifted my eyebrows, dumbfounded. What fucking asshole's. "Well. Okay then!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I shrugged my backpack over my shoulder and stomped out the door.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Smoke billowing in the wake of my rage. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">My heart hammered, that was enough for me. Out of the building, through the yard. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I crawled out from underneath the back gate. I walked quickly with thoughts racing.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I remember I kept looking back. A combination of fear and bewilderment at my own actions and his.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I didn’t even get back to the L train station before my conscious weighed on me so heavily that I turned back. Just to check on them, to make sure everyone was safe and that the fire didn’t spread somehow. Before I had lit our bed on fire I had a rational thought about the building being entirely concrete. It was also totally ventilated, having many large holes in the shape of squares and rectangles for the windows that were never built. I logically understood that concrete wouldn’t burn. All the same I knew what I did was dangerous and would scare them. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">What if they didn't hear me say "Fire". “What if I was wrong?” I thought, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“That fire grew so quickly!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t just leave them, so I returned.*</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">As I was nearing the back gate, which was our entrance, I had that peculiar feeling of being in danger. </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I had no ability to differentiate that feeling from all the other emotions I was ravaged by, so I continued. </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I crawled beneath the gate, back inside the yard and continued walking in the direction of the back door. </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I could make out the figures of bodies of the other squatters. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Perhaps seven or eight of them were all standing outside of the building. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I could hear them yelling. I kept walking towards them anyway. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I wanted to ask, “Is everyone alright?” I wanted to explain what had happened and why. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I did not get the opportunity, no such thing occurred. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I was about halfway through the yard when I heard his voice. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">His vile betraying voice above all the others. Maverick said; “There she is right there.” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">As if someone were just finding a missing a sock or something equally inane. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I was shocked breathless. Hearing his voice say that was a boulder thrown at my chest. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Everything went silent. I could hear my own heart pounding. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I did not stop my pace, I kept nearing. One foot in front of the other, I told myself. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I held my head up and looked them in the eye. Maverick was not among them. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The coward had fled and left me to the wolves. They began to spread out.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I did not know half of them at all, and they certainly didn’t seem too keen on knowing me.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I noticed too late that they had formed a circle around me. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I hear all sorts of uproarious clamor, hateful words flung in my direction. I heard some clearly: “Housie* cunt”, “Crazy bitch”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An idea of justice for a crime they didn’t know the details of: “Boot stomp* this bitch!” and “She’s just Maverick’s fuckin’ slut!” and more. I didn’t have time to be heard. Every time I opened my mouth I was told to shut the fuck up, shouted and cursed at. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">A weathered girl with a permanent grimace, Ann stood in front and yelled </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“Do you know what happened to my friends in New Orleans last year you stupid fucking bitch?”* </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">She yanked my hair and knocked me with her fist on the side of my head. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I was shoved by a few of them in different directions. Then everything went dark. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Someone behind me had pulled a sleeping bag over my head and knocked me to the ground.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“NO! What the fuck? Hey fucking stop!! Stop! Get this the fuck off of me. What the fuck are you doing! Stop it!” I curl into my self as I feel boots thrust onto my body from every direction. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I get the wind knocked out of me as one makes direct contact to my rib cage.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I cannot see anything so I am defenseless. I cannot move. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The sleeping bag has covered my arms and I could just barely move my legs. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">All I can hear is my own pleas and screams.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Some muffled sounds of kicks and stomps through the thin barrier. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The last thing I heard was my own shrill voice as I screamed as loud as I could,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> “You’re going to fuckin’ KILL ME!” Enunciating every syllable as clearly as I could. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I was not under the influence of any chemical other then the adrenaline that my body was naturally producing. It was imperative to me that I was understood. This had to stop. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I had never endured such violence. They pulled the blanket off of me and I looked up at them.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">They were hovering above me so angry. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I saw one boy’s nostrils flare and his chest rise and fall. <br />I was the scapegoat for every street kid and squatter in that warehouse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>All the misguided, harbored hatred and rage within them fell upon my back this night.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I had been Boot Stomped. I scrambled to my feet and dared a glance back as I said, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“This is a misunderstanding, I didn’t even mean to…”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Interrupted. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">“Get the fuck out of here before we really give you something to scream about!!” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I walked away, not ran but walked. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I was not crying and I still find that odd.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I got on the L train bound for Manhattan. I sat with my backpack clenched to my chest, feeling confused and humiliated. Yet, beneath that was a seemingly inappropriate sense of triumph. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I now know that this was part of my initiation process of being one of the streets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was the one of the first acts of violence I endured personally that taught me, that we, street kids, we of the street. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">We exist outside of law and that I had to abandon all past codes and concepts of law entirely if I was going to make it.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I got off the train as soon as it left the underground tunnel at First Avenue and Fourteenth St. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">My feet carried me south to Saint Marks Place. I knew all the sleep spots in that area, and I felt confident I would run into someone that would let me crash with them*.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I found the platonic kind in Scott. Someone that had a very long history with Maverick, they went to private school together when they were very young. That is one thing many civilians do not assume. That the same guy with tattoos all over his face hitting a crack pipe inside a sleeping bag, could come from a loving family with an obscene amount of money. Aside from the obvious drug problem they shared the fact that they both had that kind of upbringing was the end of their similarities. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">There he was, smoking crack at one my old sleep spots. The one east of ‘Search and Destroy’ on the south side of St. Mark’s. Next door to that Egg Cream spot on the corner of Second Avenue. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Hidden beneath an awning and behind a short fence, out of the sight of cops and most pedestrians. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Scott asked me Where Maverick was. He asked what happened and I told him everything, including what I had done, why, and what I endured as punishment. He listened and shook his head in between hits and said I could sleep next to him and Lana. Poor Lana... his sweet and gentle pit-bull. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">When I woke up the next day and the day after, I checked my body for bruises. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I never developed one scratch or bruise from that encounter. I found that to be very odd as well.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I wish I could tell you that boot stomping was the only repercussion for my pyrotechnics but it wasn’t. For a few month’s I had to constantly be on the lookout. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">In Particular for Ann, she went on to throw piss on me twice and attempted to smash my skull with her skateboard. Maverick blocked the board with his arm, gripped it and wrestled it away. That was one of the few times in our five year relationship he defended me physically. I think, or would like to think, that he did feel remorse. Not for stealing my wake up but for allowing me to be persecuted so harshly and for so long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the while knowing what he had done to me, that I never intended to burn anything other than our bed. That I wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t stolen from me and hurt me to the point of such lunacy. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">As I mentioned earlier, this violence was the first of many more to come. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I gained a new understanding of the way thing's are handled on the street. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">My personality began to change. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">An initiation process.... and this was still fairly early on in my life on the street. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Four more years to corrupt my soul my harden my frailty. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mary Catherine’s N.Y.C Street Terms Glossary</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*Works-Noun/Plural- Multiple hypodermic needles.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">* Rig- Noun- A hypodermic needle.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*Spange – Verb- A play on the words<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Spare any change?”- A specific hustle, sometimes called panhandling by civilians or the N.Y.P.D and Judicial System.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">*Ground Score- Noun- Something useful we come across on the sidewalk or street and we keep for our own.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">* Kick Down-Noun- Something that was freely given to us.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>* Bundle – Noun- Ten bags of Heroin.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">* Dope- Noun- (a term for many drugs in different cultures)- in the L.E.S and most of<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>N.Y.C <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it’s another word we use for heroin.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">*Wake Up- Noun- The first injection of heroin of the day; alleviates minor withdrawal symptoms and enables the addict to function.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">* Habit- Noun- the amount of heroin your body is accustomed to and demands.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">*Legs- Noun- term used to describe the length of the effect of the heroin used.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">* Cut – Noun- Unknown substance that is mixed into the heroin powder usually by the lower level dealers, often for them to make more of a profit. Usually it is harmless fillers such as Benadryl, vitamins, etc. (not always harmless).</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">*Junk- Noun- another word for heroin.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">*Junkie-Noun- A habitual heroin user, an addict.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">*Connect- Noun- A connection to obtaining heroin- typically a heroin dealer. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span> <span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">*Cop- Verb- The act of buying heroin in this case, but it can be used for any drug.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></span> <span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>*Squat – Noun- an abandoned building that street kids and/or traveling kids use as<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a home base sometimes it legal but typically hidden.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">*Ride Rails- Verb and Noun- Kids that hop freight train across country, traveling all over the U.S. Ride Rails sometimes they refer themselves as hobo's or dirty train kid's*</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">*Straight- Adjective- “I need to get straight, I got straight already” – a heroin addict’s way of saying ”well” or “better”, no longer in withdrawal.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">* Housie- Noun- someone with the luxuries of being in a house/indoors, or someone who still carries themselves as if they did.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>* Boot Stomp- Verb- a form punishment and humiliation within social circles that make their own laws, this includes being thrown to the ground then kicked and literally stomped upon, typically with boots. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">* Street Kids/Dirty kids- Synonymous Nouns- a general catch all term used to describe anyone within the general age range of 15- 35 that lives on the streets, in squats, and participates in the lifestyle.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>* Hustle or Hustling*-Verb- Making money, in whatever way that may be, there are several ways we can and we do make money, so keep it coming!</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">*Other Annotations*</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">*</span></span><span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;">A best bet when referring to a hypodermic needle- is usually the cleanest or newest; one that still has legible numbers on it and doesn’t have blood coagulated inside. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span> <span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">*When Maverick said he was "taking a shit"- Opiate addicts suffer from constipation. It is common knowledge. It slows the body's function down in many ways. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">*</span></span><!--[endif]-->The girl I mentioned with a permanent grimace, a year or two later apologized in the most authentic </span><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">way we of the street are capable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While we were on a train platform on our way to cop in Brooklyn, she told me she hadn’t known what Maverick had done. She also explained that several squatters in New Orleans just a few months before the warehouse incident, had died in a squat fire (under very different circumstances). </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I had no idea what the hell this chic was talking about then. I was not a traveling kid. </span>N.Y.C was my one and only stop. I never wanted to live anywhere else and have never felt more at home anywhere else. I still do, despite it all, maybe even more so because of it.</span><br />
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">* On the damage of the fire- No one was hurt. Not one person or dog. Nothing burned except the blankets and whatever we had on the Sheetrock. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">People were scared because of the smoke and acted accordingly.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"> </span><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">*</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">On Street sleeping arrangements- It happens all the time, a total platonic sleeping arrangement. Sometimes it will become sexual. Sometimes the male will just feel that protective instinct and hold me. When sex or any sex act occurs, it is either a blossoming street romance or an inebriated brief screw. A cohabitation hazard that they will deny happened or will wish it hadn’t.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> *</span></span></span>On the physical abuse; This was the first time I subconsciously accepted the role as the abused, though I did not see it then. Maverick was and still is the only man that has physically abused me.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> He did so intermittently until the unofficial end of our relationship in November 2014.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span> <span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://wordonthestreetnewyork.com/2011/06/17/mark-on-mary-so-really-hows-your-relationship-going-22/" target="_blank">* This is how I know the approximate date of the events.</a></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></span> <span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-55038505723282438712016-02-02T20:00:00.003-08:002016-11-20T16:35:43.867-08:00The Scent of Crushed Violets- Memoir/Dreamscape<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black;">My eyes are closed. All I see is the spin of our loop.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black;"> I feel rapid eye movement behind my lids as I repeat the call. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black;">This is how I know she hears me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black;">I am standing like a pillar with my chin nearly touching my clavicle.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black;">My shoulders are back and locked firmly in place.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black;">My arms are directly in front of me.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black;">They slice across my abdomen forming an X shape.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My hands are </span>beginning to warm the cold metal of the two Glocks that I have firmly griped.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">They sit unfastened, loaded with a full magazine, more than enough rounds than we will require.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">They rest within custom holster's above my hips.<span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We are nearly there...</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My breathing has become in sync with what my mind is weaving and my R.E.M.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOkX9ybbrX_AqWTj6bnV-yj99B9TXHOSAoMSt-J1yVkhTJNnGDIgoGuvKYTJhxE_XG1hRdEedAnFBqnqQF8R9kwspahgAQlsnHHKyZhl0He7Ua6Ert2vRMNUgi4St5-Qon5cbP2woU7Dk/s1600/weaving.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOkX9ybbrX_AqWTj6bnV-yj99B9TXHOSAoMSt-J1yVkhTJNnGDIgoGuvKYTJhxE_XG1hRdEedAnFBqnqQF8R9kwspahgAQlsnHHKyZhl0He7Ua6Ert2vRMNUgi4St5-Qon5cbP2woU7Dk/s200/weaving.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"May I be ready. We are ready.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Let them come. We are one.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">May I be ready. We</span></span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> are ready.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Let them come. We are one.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Come to us now. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Come now. Come now. Come now..."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I lift my head slowly with eyes still closed. My senses have sharpened. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">The atmosphere has shifted. Unsettled and rearranged.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> I know they are near. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I breathe in her power and it fills my lungs with warmth. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">My lips are pulled upwards by her strings. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I breathe out with a slow whisper</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> "Thank you..." </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I open my eyes and see them immediately only about eight yards away.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Micah and Max appear <span style="font-family: inherit;">simultaneously in opposite corners of the dimly lit refectory.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I count five paces as I walk towards them.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I stop and </span></span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">wait to see their next move.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Max takes only a few steps towards me until he see's </span>Micah. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">He slouches,<span style="font-family: inherit;"> defeated. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Then he leans against a wall and puts his hand in his pocket. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A simple spectator, an observer of life, as per usual.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">While Micah continues toward me from the right corner with long and quick stride.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I lift both guns from my waist with sharp, precise movement.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My elbows extended for a moment, upwards, then straight in front of me.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The gun I pulled from my left side is aimed directly at Micah.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The other is pointing in the direction I last saw Max .</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> I call her in. I breathe her in.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I match his pace .</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">He is only a few feet away now.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> I pull the slide back with the bottom of my left hand.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> Then slide my arm back, aimed once again in left corner pointing at Max.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I see past the oceanic gray of Micah's eyes. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I now am able to see straight to the center of him.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">He lunges toward me and spits out,</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> "I never fucking loved you and I don't owe you shit."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I extend my arm and aim at his chest.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">He snarls and jerks his chin upward. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Never stepping out of the pseudo confident persona, not even in the spirit realm.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I only feel a touch of pity. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">She seems to have dominated my emotions.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"No. You certainly did not love her. You were a mistake." </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I pull back on the trigger and keep my finger pressed until I feel it reset. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">"This debt is paid."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I do not need a second bullet. </span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> His form moves back as if pushed by something far more powerful than a bullet.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> A dark billowing of thick black smoke and shadow leak from the wound. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Where blood would have been on a human.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">His form jolts backward with a force that is far more powerful than any mortal's toy.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I lower my weapon in my right hand.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> I keep the second weapon my left hand still pointed in Max's direction.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I watch as this strange darkness begins to pour out in wispy rivulets.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In less then a minute he has disappeared entirely.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I see movement from the left I already know that it is Max.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I shift my torso and neck and observe with detachment as he slowly shuffles toward me. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">His expression is that of a smug fool.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">He thinks things are different because the other male has disappeared.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">A lowly dejection as always, even in this realm.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">He is holding what appears to be a small gold ring in one of his hands.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> The other hand is still in his pocket.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I watch him carefully as I unload the magazine and place it back at my left side.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I could shoot him with the glock in my left hand but </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">there is no reason to. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">He is moving so slowly that I have the time to make the swap. </span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I have more accuracy with my right hand.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">He is closer then I would like when he says,</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">"Will you marry me?"</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> I look again at his hands without altering my aim and it just is as I suspected.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">The ring was a ploy.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> He pull's his other hand out of his pocket for the first time.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> He reveals a pair of manacles. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I pull the slide back with my now free left hand.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">She speak's again and I allow her complete control.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">"This is not a true marriage. She was never a wife to you. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">This creature I speak for belongs to no man."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">The words come out of my mouth as if being pulled from somewhere deep within me. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">They feel foreign on my tongue.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">He makes a desperate leap toward me.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I pull back on the trigger and his arms swing out forming a cross.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">He drops the ring, it coils and slithers away.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">The manacles he was holding begin to lengthen and coil around him.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">This is different than the first revenant. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">She seems to be taking her time.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">He is shaking violently inside one long chain, still in a crucifix position. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">My human eye's see that he is terrified and I wonder what we appear as in spirit form.</span></span><br />
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<br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">She opens my mouth. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Words are tugging on my vocal chords.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">"You have done things that all Gods within all realms have no redemption for. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">This, Maxwell Jackson is only the beginning of your eternal vision."</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I watch him as he convulses, his mouth is ajar and black slides down his chin.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">The Ground cracks beneath him. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Chains are uprooted and they wrap around his ankles and work up his legs.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">He is pulled down in one violent tug.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">One loud blast, then the refectory seals itself back to it's original state.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I open my hand, the Glock hits the ground.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> I hear the clatter, then only silence.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">A strong scent of violets is in the air.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I close my eye's and I breathe. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I hear her.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">-The are within the vacuum now, where they will come to understand their errors-</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I feel peace.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">-Are you ready to see your's?-</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I speak with my own voice and answer.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">"I trust that you will show me."</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">-Peace. Warmth. Golden.-</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I let a tear fall .</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">"Thank you."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-8039839316158535312016-01-25T15:05:00.001-08:002016-04-17T13:06:29.777-07:00Come Visit Me Here -S.of C.<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Whosoever dared me not to live my life? </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">The exit sign is finally up and running. Do you see it? </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Who has been looming in the shadows? Whose muttering can still be heard?</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">I know one is the echo of the philandering father with wandering hands that showed no love. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Touch without love. Interpretations were made. I was made mother as a child by a man, a touch with no love, touch with no love. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Then, a whisper, “Your life is over."</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">You believed that a girl has to settle down, to live out her days in servitude because she had a child. You held a banquet of shame in my honor. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Deep within your opaque abyss you passed the dishes in my direction. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">The feel of it scorched my hands. I still bear the scars, I do not feel the burn any longer. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">I stole the fork from your feast and I do not consume that poison any longer. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">I would rather starve us first. Can you see me clearly now? As a corpse man? Spirit man? </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">You are dust and ash, once a living man, my father of the blood. Are you are already carbon daddy? </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">I know you cry for what could have been, what you failed to do. I can feel your suffering. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Tears you held in pride. They came out with violence and rage. Now you cry, I see you coiled up, a shamed snake writhing in regret and I shudder at the thought. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">You were born in 1945. Fleeting life of one’s father. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">I hold no meaning to your contribution of my existence. A love was never there, not even looming. Only shadows cast by my youthful light. I was a blank canvas. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Soaking in the light of the sun only to reflect it back.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I am a time leaper. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Look now, at the remedies in this reality. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Come visit me here. Come as a brother, not a father. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Other echoes can be heard. Do you hear her still?</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The third woman you impregnated, a woman named Michele. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The young woman who kept her money in her sock? </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The one with long brown hair who danced on the tops of pool tables in the tavern? </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Yes, that is my mother. Slender mother whose whispers can still be heard.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> “You’d better marry a rich man Mary Catherine!” because I had wanted things she seemed to believe were out of my reach, through not based on any limitation I had. Only the one she had set for herself. I do not believe that anymore either. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">A Falsehood has no power over me unless I give it as much.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I know truth when I hear it. I will make my own money mommy. You were born in 1955. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I do not bow to that dated happenstance. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I am a time leaper. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Look now, at the remedies in this reality.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Come visit me here, be my sister not my mother. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">That was a sour truth you held onto. Spit it out! It was not meant to be mine, nor yours! </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Unlearning these lies will take time, the subconscious holds on tightly to that haunting misery. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> I have opened the curtain on that dusty old attic and shrank back in revulsion at the blatant truth at first light. I scraped the jagged edges of collectables, with bleeding fingers and I measured their value, saw the damage. Most was submerged in tar. It had rained down on me for too long. I allowed it to immerse me almost completely. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I believe I have found the power to be rid of the heavy coat. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The mind floats in liquid. I wade through the waters and they are becoming clear, never festering. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I have this device that acts like a filter. It is woven in gold. I see what is of value now. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Time is an open question and time is the most relevant to the person who values it. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I am a time leaper. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Look now, at the remedies in this reality. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Come visit me here, be a sister, not my mother. Be a brother, not my father. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Time is an open question. One only you can answer.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"> Time shifts, appears and vanishes in proportion to where you place it's value. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-45869334505922581592016-01-23T16:46:00.000-08:002016-11-20T16:35:43.858-08:00Life is what happens? - Memento as prose<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">John Lennon had said "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">I say that life is what happens to you while you are doomed in battle and you refuse to yield.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">This is why.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;"> Walking out the door this afternoon and feeling the wind whirling around me was</span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">incredible</span><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">. Hearing the crinkle of my boots as they impede upon the fresh yielding snow. I steady myself as I slowly decline down the front steps. I keep indoors when I want to, but I do not want to today. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> I want to brave the storm to go out and see who else is about 'that life'. My plan, though a loose one, was to pick up my Chobani Greek yogurt and granola bar from the Mulberry drugstore around the corner. Then to go a block west to the Broadway Starbucks and redeem my 12 star reward and </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">write for a few hours. I't sounded pretty damn good, my loose little plan.</span><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I was a barista for Starbucks for two different locations and I still adore them. I must say that the star reward system they use is marketing genius. I'm on the Gold Level status, which earns me a sparkly golden card bearing my first and last name on the bottom, free refills on coffee and tea, special offers via email and obviously a free drink on my birthday. I could already taste the Green tea latte and see myself at the corner seat, my fingers darting across the keyboard rapid fire. </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I managed to purchase my yogurt and granola lunch with a the friendly cashier who had the misfortune of working today.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> I smiled and decided </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">"Yes. Today will be lovely."</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> Despite all the clamor and nervousness surrounding the storm. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Then came my own tumult of the mental variety.</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">It came to me in a guileful manner, like grey clouds coming together slowly...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">"What the hell is all the fuss about? I endured </span></span><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">several winters prior all over the East Village. </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I slept among rows of comrades in weather such as this and worse. It was only a little over a year ago under the scaffolding right there by Great Jones Street.</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> We bundled up in a zero degree sleeping bags with a warm pit bull and a "C'est la Vie" attitude." </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> Stop. </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">No Mary Catherine. That was on a good day. I remind myself that those "C'est la vie" days were few and far between. I try and push the thought out. It is replaced with a shout of bewildered astonishment "How the fuck did I do that, and for so long!?" No. I think I would rather not. I like that I don't wake up shaking violently, heart pounding and retching bile at four or five in the morning. Barely making it out of the god damn sleeping bag before the poison</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> poured out of my mouth onto the sidewalk. There you go, that's more like it sweetheart. Don't even try and make shit cute. Don't fucking fool yourself. If you insist on reminiscing</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> make sure you "Keep it one hundred." </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Strange the way I can romanticize</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> the lifestyle that way, so suddenly, so creatively tactful, those damn whispers. I have to keep that ghost in check.. That's what I thinking about in between snapping photographs of the snow covered vicinity of NoHo. It's rarely silent inside my mind. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">That is why I love meditation. I can pull the thread back into alignment.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> I trudged through what was already about five inches of snow and walked into Starbucks about a quarter after one. I set up my lap top on the only table that was near an outlet, not ideal but it was going to have to work.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I grabbed my Gold card out of my wallet and ordered my latest favorite in a larger size </span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">with</span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> a non dairy version since it's free no matter how expensive the modification, I take full advantage of that. "</span><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Venti- Soy- five scoop Matcha- Green Tea Latte and I would like to redeem my free drink reward". </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I still remember the way we had to call the drinks out. That is one of the reasons I loved working for Starbucks. Every single thing we did was strategic, from the way we worded things, to the arrangement of the furniture, the lighting to calling out of the customers name. It was all a part of a masterful plan to keep them feeling as if they were in a home away from home, a work space outside of the office, always welcoming. I think I have a peculiar post partner loyalty. I allowed it to work on me. I think I even remember my partner numbers 1405903, I think that may be it. Man, they are good and I am a willing participant of this scheming establishment. It is no coincidence that the logo bears the legendary siren. This siren calls to my wallet and I dutifully hand over the card. I also never allow the balance to reach zero despite my impoverished state. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Which I admit is a little insane, but not over the top bat shit crazy. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">After I sit down, I pull up my goal list and go over the week. I open up Microsoft word and stretch my neck and roll my shoulders. I pick up my drink and put my lips to the lid and blow. As I do this a gregarious and flamboyant partner is coming towards me, he stops at the girl at the table next to me and I see he is talking but I cant hear him, I'm still listening to Bowie. It has become an unintentional ritual since January tenth. I pull out my ear buds and hear him say that all Starbucks in the city must close by two pm and something about the mayor. I look at the time on my screen. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Great. Twenty minutes. I think I began to pout. I tried to think of what I was going to do now. I thought, I will finish the novel I'm reading, or at least put a dent in it. I'll clean out all my drawers and organize everything so I am more prepared when my move out date arrives. I could dye my hair, my blonde roots are starting to betray me again. I'll work on the short story I'm writing for my children, I'm about halfway through. I'll be okay. I do not like it when things suddenly do not go my way, I can feel my attitude beginning to sour. I wasted my free drink just to be asked to leave! I ordered the Venti size and brought my lunch because I had planned on writing here inside Starbucks for at least two or three hours! I check my email. I read that the event I was invited to attend at the Tompkins Square Library today has been cancelled and she is sorry and we should get together soon. It has been rescheduled for the thirtieth. "Well no shit it's cancelled." As I check off the tiny box then click on the trash icon.I take a deep breath and check out the word of the day which is "Selenology" and I do not see it as a vital part of my lexicon, but then again you never know. I check what the weather predicts for tonight, maybe I could make it to West Houston later on this evening as I usually do. Nope, not going to happen. Blizzard winds at twenty five miles an hour and ninety eight percent precipitation. I'll be alright. I will be better then alright. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I left ten minutes after two and I tried to think of nothing other then how beautiful the streets looked. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">So immaculate and pure, as if the sins the city streets and I once shared have been polished away. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Then I remind myself what the street will look like when this too passes. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> After the fresh snow is gone and the city wakes from it's slumber.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Filthy muck that taints every piece of you it touches. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">No, the sins remain dear girl. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Never forget, lest you digress and that would be worse, far worse then your death.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I stopped resisting everything. I smiled as I once again decided to just enjoy snow while it lasts.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I purposefully placed my boots down in the snow where there were no prints and watch them sink. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I forgive you but you must never forget.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16413953681689572877noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9030732450222689055.post-63931441484934890042016-01-20T14:58:00.000-08:002017-02-27T23:12:52.684-08:00A Subtle Atmospheric Difference - Journal entries <div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Outside on the balcony in the cold. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Holding my thin coat together with one arm, the other is balanced on top. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">A cigarette between my fingers. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Eyes follow the runnel of smoke upward. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I see snowfall for the first time this winter. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">God.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> That is so,</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> beautiful.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">My eyes swell slightly with tears. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I shake my head in the discomfort of this new self that is forming. How different I am will occur to me every now. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> Moments such as this. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Several winters on the concrete, squat, floors rooftops cells hospital beds; </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Equal in cold indifference. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Freezing, shivering and buried in my winter mind.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Where choice was just another luxury not afforded me. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="color: white;">Perhaps I</span> will die in my sleep. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">A blessing and the most I could hope for.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Cursing a god I wasn't even sure existed. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">What it looked like or felt like, for having abandoning me to this. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Denying the existence of all that I couldn't put to my lips or into a vein. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">The comort of purpose and simplicity. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">My predicament, my existential dilemma, the great drama of my insignificant, wasted life. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Now, I think of the one's I care for that are out there right now. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Friends are dead and gone forever, killing themselves or caged in some other way.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Yet I can't be around them.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">My life in jeopardy, the sliver of hope I cling to so tightly, could disappear in an instant.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> No, I can only be an example at best; I can be there if they ever want help.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Just the thought of them my heart breaks a little each time.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I know that pain so well. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Yet, I never thought I could know compassion so strongly. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I can not show them. They must find it, I know how it would be received.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">For I had thought the exact same way. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Nothing can be done if it is not done of one's own accord.</span></span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Even if my body could take the booze, I want nothing to do with it. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Nietzsche Approves.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">But how welcome a warm and fleeting shot of Lethe can become. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">That terrifies me and it should</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Here I am with a rational fear, and snowfall.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> I will end up among the best of the lot. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">The seekers that listen to what is said and notice what isn't. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">The seekers that are earnest and humble. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Those that live out what that revolution speaks of in action.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Perception and understanding shifts:</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> Age six:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">"Mary Catherine you believe in God don't you?"</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">"You mean the one at church? They said that Jesus is his son and he died for our sins."</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Age fifteen:</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">"Mary Don't you believe in God?!"</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">"Oh Fuck off Bitch!"</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Age eighteen:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">"Mary you believe in god or what? What's your H.P?</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">"I don't 'not' believe in God, if that answers your Question."</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Age twenty three:</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">"You don't believe in any kind of a god Mary?"</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">"I don't know. I used to, I wanted to. But whatever I thought might be there is gone. If there is one, it has left me. I am responsible for my life and finding a purpose. I think that's all there may be."</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Age twenty eight:</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">"You believe in God now Mary?"</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">"Yes. I don't know how to describe it. I know there is something."</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">Age twenty nine:</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">So, what is your higher power? Do you believe there is a God?"</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: black;">"Yes. I do. It is a word for an all loving, peaceful, comforting powerful presence that is within me and around me. This god of mine has nothing to do with the misunderstanding's I heard about in a dogmatic 'place of god' when I was a child. This God is is within me and always has been. It never left me, I had shut it out. Shot it down. I pray now. Words like 'Thy will, not mine be done.' means to me the removal of all my walls, brick by brick and allowing my god out. She and I are bound in a golden loose knot. Threads that can become very delicate if I do not keep vigilant. She is wild this secret god of mine and now she is free. A word- God. A word- Rose. Call it what you like. It will speak to you in a way you will understand, just stop blockading your truth. This is what I have come to believe and now understand."</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Vivre Sa Vie?</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Existentialism?</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Carpe mother fucking Diem!</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Use your gift.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Come to.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I have a secret god. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I have dug for so long. I found it! </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Secret is....</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">She was there the whole time.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">This god is running now my show.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Where's yours? Start looking, couldn't have gone far. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">In times time. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Then.... </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Came to....</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKyeqz1wOAjXuvd5-ctp1Hmh5Z_AuhC8N4pPK9hK3BbnxI3Q1ftSSq6B6nf9y-bv5HhYlTtIaW2OBEyFXkbv5dvdKCJPeMCUFKYi-ZRz4QEt8c34YTSfmr1JqJrSt7auFl_TyKRmegRfY/s1600/gods.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKyeqz1wOAjXuvd5-ctp1Hmh5Z_AuhC8N4pPK9hK3BbnxI3Q1ftSSq6B6nf9y-bv5HhYlTtIaW2OBEyFXkbv5dvdKCJPeMCUFKYi-ZRz4QEt8c34YTSfmr1JqJrSt7auFl_TyKRmegRfY/s320/gods.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Dear Ayn Rand, Papa Nietzsche my and beloved Sartre, </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I thought to tell you first, since you were my teachers. I know you had some cerebral disputes regarding a man idea of a god, this word god, this golden incomprehensible force of love is within you and worked through you. Those many fits of intellectual madness that you claimed sole responsibility for. The seeking of truths, that inevitably lead to more truths was you letting god out. Thank you conduits. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I love you and so does my secret god. I just read you with a different understanding now. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I truly thought I was lost, </span></span><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">damned and forgotten. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">How wrong I had been. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">My golden thread. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I do not know why it took me so long to retrieve this knowledge. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">That I am a part of something that is whole and complete. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">I had never ever thought I would say that. To say I have a God and mean exactly that. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">To understand what that is to me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">To authentically believe it and keep believing now matter what.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Here's to Never, we golden infinite snowflakes. To the unfathomable becoming tangible. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen</span></span></div>
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