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Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Sunday, August 23, 2015

A Once Private Entry- Journal entry/ Memoir excerpt

"I have made a girl climax and convulse with one hand against a chain link fence a couple years ago in Alphabet City. I want to do it again- better this time. 
I have kissed gently and passionately many young women with no agenda other then a shared pleasure between us which it always was. 
Once, not that long ago I even left Maverick outside so that I could go inside Mars Bar and drink the drinks this foxy brunette had offered me, but only if he stayed outside. Laughter and flirtation quickly became a mutual fascination with one another's lips and hips. We kissed and touched for a couple of hours and I enjoyed my drink of choice (Gin and Tonic with a twist of lime) while Maverick sulked outside. I knew this may be hurting him, but I was enjoying myself too much to let the passing consideration interrupt me and drunken fox's fun.

I have received oral sex from a few women but only given it once.
The one time I went down on a girl it was was delicate, tender touch that was kind and careful and made her body relax completely. She became a golden tan beautifully sculpted anthropomorphic creation that my hands had shaped. 
We were cell mates in a juvenile detention center only 15. 
I remember her green eyes that would not meet mine when the day was new. As if the intimacy had not occurred. Her wavy shoulder length hair that would sway in little wisps with every movement of her head. The head that held that sweet thin and perfectly shaped face.
I remember that I had awoken the morning after feeling as if a unicorn had visited me in the night. Apparently she was not comfortable or understanding of what had happened between us, and was not comfortable making it public knowledge. She was nervous and didn't speak to me much after that. Girls that age were cruel about things like that especially in Juvenile Hall. "Yo, that bitch a dike!" or a "Yo, she nasty. She eat pussy!" things like this. When we were alone in the night behind a bolted door she seemed quite pleased,She was totally at ease while my lips and hands explored all over her supple young body.

Once when a man wanted to fuck me that I wasn't attracted to, but I really liked his wife. I said I'd do it if I could kiss and touch her while we did it. I just focused on her and I could handle him.
I am not sure when my sexuality became an undeniable blurred line. 
Of course I was a child that explored all over other female and male children.
Normal enough right? 
My curiosity and excitability towards female bodies did not end when the other girls had hit puberty.
I stuffed this part of my self deep down and did what I was supposed to, liked who I was expected to like, males.
And fucked them. 
I believe in a masculine, feminine perfect alliance within ones personality.
I hate labels.
I am a woman.
Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen

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