Revamped; A Featured Post

Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Sunday, August 23, 2015

The Want- Thoughs on an ideal

The want. The connection. The coming together.

Of physical contact, whether it be touch or communication. 
It is proven that communication is a solid foundation for any form of relationship. 
Affection is a very close second. 
I am finally accepting the knowledge that this desire of mine is not mere selfish desire at all. 
There is also significant amount of evidence that the lack of touch may cause;
Depression, insomnia, violent tendencies, memory deficits, high blood pressure, etc...
So, I suppose the infamous pun, "You really need to get laid" may indeed be a merited fact.
It is also proven that touch, physical contact decreases pain. 
Lowers stress levels and even improves immune function, etc.. 
So now that's established and understood, 
I must say that I love my solitude. 
Isolation and solitude are different states of being and we chose them for very different reasons. 
One is healthy one is clearly not. 
As much as I enjoy my solitude I still want contact with another.

I love the body mannerisms, the facial expressions and the eye contact.
The kind that lingers and the kind that nervously strays. 
Those things communicate so much more then the spoken word. 

Many of us in this day and age do not allow ourselves enough of that. 
With E-mails, text messaging, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram at our fingertips.
We may think...
 "Why bother with the effort and the risk?"
But then we would never know if that "LOL" received was a slight smirk, a smile that spreads and reaches the eyes, or if they are in fact laughing out loud.

I want my desire, my god given right to be expressed selflessly and caressed in mutuality. 
In so many ways, with so few words...

For fingertips that graze yielding limbs.

A strong hand against my skull. 

My skull upon a warm chest.

Listing to the "ba, boom ba, boom" of their heartbeat.

Feeling the thudding against the lobe of my ear.

Determined hands kneading up and down the muscles that surround my spine.

A kiss that is warm and inviting.
A kiss that feels like a homecoming.
A kiss that whispers "I see you..."

All that aside, I think the 'who' is of more importance.
 This is what I have come up with upon approximately 15 years of trial and error and much contemplation and this list is ongoing.

First and foremost, 
I need to know that they float near my plane of existence and enjoy the view.

Philosophically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.

I want someone...

Who has deep rooted loyalty.

Who has old school honor in their chemical make up.

Who is as strong in their beliefs as I am.

Who strives towards becoming their ideals personified just as I do.

 Who is unafraid to speak up for what they know is just.

Who knows the twist and turns of the labyrinth of purgatory 
as well as I do.

Who has found their way out as well and keeps a great distance from that darkness. 
 Someone with that memory, who now knows humility and has reverence for those shadows.

Who doesn't cower in the face of feminine power.

 Who cherishes and adores this power.

 Who is muse to poet and poet to muse.

 Who is the ebb and the flow.

 Who is comfortable expressing all forms of sexualuality.

 Who has their own interests and hobbies and pursues them.

 Who knows that I have my own and respects my solitude.

 Who can make me laugh without even trying.

 Who questions as much as I do and loves that about me.

Who participates in life and love with vigor.

 Who still looks ahead when weary from the ongoing battle a great many must fight.

I want someone who knows, who believes, that absolutely everything is in it's perfect time and place. 
For reasons even the greatest of minds can only deliberate indefinitely.

Mary Catherine,  Cowardice Queen


  1. "where it says snow
    Read teeth-marks of a virgin.
    Where it says knife read
    You passed through my bones
    Like a police whistle.
    Remove all periods
    They are scars made by words
    I couldn't bring myself to say.
    That damn ant is still stirring.
    Will there be time left to list
    All errors and replace
    That beer bottle my greatest mistake
    The word I allowed to be written
    When I should have shouted your name."

  2. You moved me without even trying to break my careful constructs. Contain the memories you have gathered, my fragments, proceed most gently now. Without thinking twice lose yourself in some carnival, afflicted and riding the wave's crest, unbothered by summer sleek lips the way I picture water soaking the pavement, my princess, elude what they say about leave taking it's true beyond argument that I shudder with crippling inevitability. But lady birds trace our spirals across the sky

  3. Thank you, and I would love to go to a carnival.


Anything to say on the subject?