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Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Friday, October 16, 2015

It isn't entirely fair

It isn't entirely fair for me to resent anyone if I in fact have been guilty of the same behaviors. This is often something I contemplate... What is Forgivable? What is impossible to forget and will forever impact the way you perceive someone? Atonement? Is there ever any forgiveness for certain acts? What is excusable, perhaps everyone would answer differently. Some will talk of circumstances, the if's and when did it all take place? Did this person have a chance to understand the repercussions of their arbitrary decisions? Mature. What is maturity when do we arrive there? At what point is a lack of maturity no longer considered grounds for pardon? I can forgive, I have and I do but it is almost like a sixth sense. I can detect authentic sincerity.  If is not there I can not forgive. I do not forget being wronged. Those are deep scars in my minds crevice's, those acts are the easiest to recall, it doesn't take much for them to rise to the surface. Forgiveness is always easy when the stakes are low. Such as; I lent you a book and you spilled your tea on it. You give me back the book and look me in the eye and say with the sincerity I can sense "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to be so careless, it was an accident." I would notice you did your best to dry it so that the pages wouldn't stick together and almost immediately say "That's okay, thank you for returning it. It's only a book besides it is still readable. Did you like it?"  That would be that. Times I do not forgive are not only the times I detect insincerity, but also when the stakes are high - yet in that I am at fault as well, with any gamble, we put our hand in too-  I do not need to give an example of this sort of act. Do I? I think we all know them, we have all endured them. No, I can not look at that being again in the same light, albeit an associate, a mother, a father, a lover, a wife. It makes no difference, it is that one unforgivable act that we do not forget. I get on with my life but the one who scorned me in this way is not going to be a part of that life and that is that. It must be that simple. 
The next time I lay it all down on the table I will be sure who I am laying it in front of is ready for the gamble. 
Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen

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