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Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Something Familiar - Notes on Desire

I have been bored in the lack of company that intrigues me.
I do it to myself.
I have been something like celibate for at least one year.
Not for a lack of want.  Mostly to protect myself.
Perilous times, these are... one must be cautious with precious bleeding hearts.

I have touched him before and he did not pull away.
There were times we came together sweating and hungry.
 Sometimes he doesn't tear away but he does not touch me back.
 I am left to wonder what that means. 
He has always been difficult to read. 
He has spent a lifetime building walls to hide his true emotions. 
He is stunning, genuinely beautiful in my eyes.
He always has been.
This particular young man is something familiar that I cannot pin point exactly. 
I do not mean that in the sense that I have known him for nearly a decade. 
No- I mean that his soul is familiar and it bears a likeness to my own, a part of myself that I want to nurture and love. 
I want to run my fingers through his long dreadlocks. 
I want to press my lips against his and all over his tattooed olive skin.

I do nothing, I breath. 
Be still heart!
Do as I command and busy your mind elsewhere.
I picked up my book.
I want him to feel safe and to feel this pure love that swells within me. 
Why can I not nurture and love him?
Of course I can...

Only if  I continue to love and nurture those same parts of myself that I want to love and nurture in him. 
The best way I could do that right now is by listening to Mazzy Star and keep writing. 
Waves begin to come towards me, gently and slowly as I lay upon the sand in all my vulnerable nakedness. 
It reaches the tips my toes and the base of my feet first then my ankles, over my calves and my thighs. 

Drenching my hips to the top of my labia the temperature is not shocking, it is soothing. 
My lower abdomen then up towards and over my breasts. 
Next is my neck, I take a deep breath in, right before the entirety of my face is submerged.
The salty water releases me. 
I am clean. 
I baptize myself and it feels so good. 
I exhale, I am alone and I am pure again.
Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen

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