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Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Clasp my Palms - S. of. C./ based off an actual event

Originally hand written on July sixteenth, 2015
I take a deep breath as I clasp my palms together and press my thumbs against my dry lips, breath out slowly. I breath in, drop my hands to my sides, and lift my eyes from the gravel and find his blue ones. I exhale and force a smile with  "Hey! Please, sit down."
We take the bench outside of La Colombe.
"Alright, so..."  I hold my hands tightly upon my lap "Listen, carefully please, because neither one of us, trust me, wants to have a repeat of this discussion, which I hope, will be brief and stark."
"Okay?... Right... You... Get... No ... Pussy."
( Forcing each syllable out like an involuntary spasm -not cute. I say this with my hands out and opened in front of me as if offering some kind of gift.)
Now what I perceive at first is confusion because his blue eyes are darting to and fro as if trying to form some kind of rebuttal if he keeps it up long enough, but I think all he really wants to say is 'WHY?"  He begins to look defensive, then angry and I feel an urgent need to press on. The pride of the Male species can be frightening but in his case it is a little petulant if anything else.
 "Aww. Come on man...(inserted an awkward smile)  Please. Don't look so surprised!"
 This isn't the first time something has eluded you! ( as I look at him I can’t stop this ridiculous sing song childish melody spinning round in my head "Little itty, bitty, blue eyed blonde haired stick boy!" -perhaps it’s some kind of my own devise at an attempt to humor myself within this awkward conversation... 
 I remind myself,  "I've never liked blue eyes on a lover anyway"
I straighten my back and force myself to look at those creepy blue eyes again.
 "Now look... (here my rant begins)

"As rude as this may sound, you must trust that in the end it is a kindness for us both and you must trust that this is not easy for me to say. (Deep breath, pause for control) "You were a kind of last resort, a back-slide, a settling, a vibrator, if you can try to understand... A vibrator with a body attached to it. Quite frankly, a body that undoubtedly would have gotten in the way of the ultimate goal, the goal being climax of course... Also, please do try not to take this personal, we all have our preferences but yours is a body that I would not even bother to conjure up in my imaginings whilst pleasing myself!! Ha Ha!" (clear my throat awkwardly, cross and uncross my legs, then grasp my hands together once more, feeling much more at ease, as if the world makes proper sense now that I have clarified things with blue eyed twig boy.) Breath in and out with "So. Thank you. Thank you for being unavailable. Thank you for having strange blue eyes. Thank you for being unhealthily thin. Because things are clear for me now. I'm sure things are more clear for you now as well." (I feel so good at this point it is almost blissful.) He then nonchalantly says " We can be friends, you’re a real cool person, (yeah) we'll see what happens.
 "Alright" (thinking: Goodbye Little Blonde Stick Boy.)
Meanwhile... There are hand-shakes and cordial smiles.
Him: "Keep in touch." Me: "Yeah, will do!"
I light a very well deserved cigarette and we a share simultaneous "Later!" with a contrived friendliness that any passer-bye could recognize its falsity.
Then finally, finally we part.

Only the best for my pussy.
Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen

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