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Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Forbidden, Nevermore. (Part Three)

We will have to fast forward about two and a half years later to nail her in for good.
 The Forbidden never more.

I'll start by saying 
there is nothing so fierce and binding as a mother's love for her first born son (think of Cersei when King Joffrey dies in the fourth season of Game of Thrones). My son is nearly three and my second child, a daughter is only six months old and was still breastfeeding. 

I told "Max" that I wanted to be their mother but not his wife, in so many words. 
I could not stand to live with him under the same roof any longer, I loathed him. 
I felt like a prisoner and a slave. 
I would look at him and feel genuine nausea
come over me. 

when I tell Mr. Statutory rape 
how I feel He says, "Okay, my sister, (Aunt Martyr) in Long island has no problem at all taking in me and both the children and her husband can help me find a job up there. Unless of course,
 you can figure something else out..." 

 What breed of homo-sapien would do this? So basically he is taking my blood!

 my children, that I carried in my womb and cared for 99.9 percent of the time from Florida to New York. 

Okay, keep in mind:
 he knew damn well that I had no one, nothing, 
no home 
(other than his), 
no job experience, no car, 
no drivers license, 
no college education. He new I was powerless to stop him. 

I digress, The point is, that my mother
was aware of the predicament I was in. 
Since it was her choices and arbitrary, foolish decisions that were the causation of most of them anyway.

Why my mother is already in her coffin as far as i am concerned.  It is April 2006, I gather up all the strength I can and phone this biological mother of mine and inform her of the situation. 
I had already racked my brain trying to think of anything else I could do and no ideas came. After the end of my futile lament and pleas, I end with one final attempt;
 "Mom, I don't think you understand, if you don't let me and the kids live there, or at the very least just the kids, if you don't want me around; he is going to take them 
all the way to New York!"

Pronounced dead. 

All she did was list insignificant and selfish problems as they came to her mind.
 trying to find a reason that would justify the "No" 
Anything she could think of; Her relationship with her fourth husband, her old age. 
All horse shit.
It is now nearly September of 2015. 
She has been dead to me for quite some time. 
I've cried over the loss of a mother already, I'm dried up. 

So, No Mother, I will not cry
when your body ceases to function.

What difference does a heart beat make? 

You did the best you could. The best you were capable of, only the best of intentions, I hear you; 
But right now I am not a wise old crone. All I can say to you in order to remain true to myself and stay honest is that when I was told my biological father died, all I did was shrug my shoulders-
take a drag of my cigarette-
contemplate him a for moment-
toss my cigarette 
and say,

"I hope he suffered".

 So, for your sake, go on and pray to your God that you are forgiven for being the mother you were and that I will have more feeling for you then I did for daddy. 

"Mommie Dearest".

Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen

1 comment:

Anything to say on the subject?