Revamped; A Featured Post

Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Prose from a Late Night

First draft hand written August 9th, 2015

Thing one says: "Obligation to another".
Thing two says :

 "I have far too many ex lovers, she's with him anyway".
Well shit man... 
It's always a inbreed fuck fest out here on the streets.

The timing was just wrong, I guess.
He felt right from the moment I saw him
Rather I knew he would feel right.
Pussy cat purrs then curls up and stifles the desire..
Dear Gods, If only. 
See it was like this;
If only circumstances were different. 
If only his ex wasn't a lunatic beast and the other a literary companion of hers.
If I was not invaded by the parasite at the time.
If only he was not either suffering the same blight.
If only I wasn't being bleed dry by another.
If only I lacked the remnants of the morals that still remained.
If only he had given me a sign, a flirtatious grin when no one was looking.
If only I knew it was a mutual desire.
If only I would have left the fool the first time I noticed I yearned for another being
If only I could have said what I was thinking, they are one and the same.
If only I made a casual and simple invitation.
If only "What are you up to tomorrow, after you fly and shit?"
If only he said "Nothing really. Why, you wanna chill?"
If only I just said "Yeah, I do.".
If only those plans were made and followed through with.
If only I had us alone together, at long last.
If only I let my eye contact linger and waited for his body language to respond.
If only I witnessed the conflict of verbal and non verbal communication .
If only I reached for his hands, held them as firm as I held his eyes.
If only enough to know for certain what he wanted.
If only because he did not pull away but rather pulled me towards him.
If only I felt his body against my own.
If only I felt his warmth and protection that most men assume I don't even desire.
If only my secret thoughts and desires came to fruition.
If only in that moment we came to realize our bodies fit like yin to the yang.
If only we felt as if we had finally found that puzzle piece we'd been searching for.
If only it was the one piece that was gone so long we'd forgotten the the image.
If only we could see it in all its beauty, all in one flash of an instant.
If only our lips reached for each other and made the long awaited introduction.
If only it was fucking perfect.
If only that had happened way back when, when thing one first met thing two.
See, now it's like this;
Thing one and two saw each other in haphazard passing tonight.
Thing one is no longer invaded by parasitic beings nor is thing two.
I am no longer with the fool that hovered over me like a hailstorm of suffering.
His bestial lunatic ex girlfriend is thousands of miles away.
As I sat next to him (a little to close to be just friendly) I was not thinking "if only".
It was something new and cleansing like fresh spring water; 
as many things tend to feel these days.
I was not 'If only..."
It was "When?
When will I tell him?
When will I touch his skin and see what is underneath his hand stitched clothing?
When will I embrace him and be embraced with an equal amount of passion?
When will our lips meet?
Even if nothing ever comes to be
I love that the if only's are now replaced with the whens
When the when is right, moral and just.
My personal definition of these concepts anyway.

Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen

No comments:

Post a Comment

Anything to say on the subject?