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Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Monday, August 24, 2015

"Your'e only fifteen..." - Memoir Excerpt

"I'm telling you Mike, trust me. You're wasting your time  me. She won't let me in...
 I tried already I told you!"

"She has to, that's not even legal your 15 and that's your home."

"Fine see for your self."

We walk in near silence the three blocks from Mike Helfin's house back to mine on Grant street.

"Go on, knock and just ask her, I'll listen but I don't want her to see me."

I hide by the statue of the limbless woman in our front yard. 
She stands dauntless and defiant peering over her to the right.
I always loved that statue.

He knocks. She answers after the second time.

"Who are you what do you want"

She demands. Words flew from her mouth so fast, with no pause between them.

"My name is Mike, I'm a friend of your daughter, Mary? She wants to come inside, its dark out and..."

"No,no. She can't come in. 

"What? That isn't even legal! She's only fifteen and your daughter!"

"Get her away from here. Now. Is she with you?!"

I walk from behind the statue and grab his hand and tug him away from the door and she's yelling that I'm evil and not welcome in her house.

"I told you so."

We walk away, shuffling our feet, I'm staring at the ground.

"I know but I just cant fucking believe it man.."

He shakes his head.

"Where are you going to go?"

I dunno, depends, are you gonna stay with me?

"Aaah, (he smirks at me). 
- I smile big and stupid. I like him because he likes those parts of me I have to hide.- 
"I don't know if I can. I told my mom Id be back. Sorry Mary."

- His Mom was a really great one, I had always liked her. She was the kind of mom that let you be exactly who you were, but still showed love and concern. I had never seen the like until I met him her. She was always trying to help me, as if she knew there was a big problem, some kinda trouble- and that it wasn't my fault. 
I didn't know then.
She once bought me a Marilyn Manson tee that I wanted as a reward for not doing drugs or hitching rides. She said "If you don't do that, any of that shit, for two weeks, i'll buy you any T- Shirt you want, Cool?"
Her name was Mary too.
My Mom found my Manson shirt where I had stashed it on the front porch a month or so later. It was one of those ignore the banging on the door nights. 
My mother had thrown away. 
Perhaps she poured gasoline all over it and lit a match.
Perhaps she bit down and shredded it to ribbons.
Fuck it. -

"No big deal, Kidding anyway. I'm used to sleeping outside.  Will you just walk me to the cemetery?"


I sat there for only a small while, then became restless.
 I walked back towards Sheridan Street and hitched a ride. 
Back to the Hansel and Gretel Motel  by the pier on Deerfield Beach I liked to sleep underneath. 
It didn't take long for a man to pull over. It never did, I was fifteen.

Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen

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