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Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

I think about you when I masturbate

I think about you when I masturbate. No, not you. Are you that fucking daft?!

I think about a faceless 'you' fast paced- blurred- thrusting- panting- my name being said by an indistinct voice. Hearing again how good I feel wrapped around their cock or how tight and wet I feel on their unrecognizable fingers by this voice of unknown origin. I think about a hybrid of every man that has ever brought me pleasure. At times I can almost convince myself it is better then sex because there will definitely not be any emotional entanglements.
 I am all wrapped up in myself, Quite literally. See It's like this;

 I loved the way Antonio would plow me from behind and spread me open 'just so', the way his hands wrapped around my hips so perfectly.
I loved the way Maverick would look me in the eye as we both climaxed together and he would always push his cum as deeply as he could inside me.
I loved the way Niccolo was on his knees drooling into my cunt, that he broke his vows to taste it.
I loved the way Alex slid his fingers inside me and moved them in the way that makes me drip.
I loved that first orgasm I had by a young man who's name I don't even need to change because I do not remember it. I  do remember my knees beginning to get rug burn from all the friction as I rocked my 15 year old hips and bounced on his pierced cock. All he had to do was keep that perfectly sculpted and adorned penis erect. Which definitely was not a problem. So he leaned back against the couch of our rented room at the Hansel and Gretel with me astride him stark naked and let me go.
 When that thing hit my G spot, I only then realized that I didn't need to rub my clit to climax. 

So- When I say I think about 'you' when I masturbate- I am simply stating what I think about is the intangible, only imaginable. The many faceless men, of complete pleasure, their lust for me. With no emotional baggage,, no expectations, no stings attached. That is what makes me cum. That is what I think about when I masturbate.
Every man that gave me a piece of their power. 
My cunt swallowed it all up and never gave it back.
Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen

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