Never again, but there was a time when I felt it was all out of my control.
Then I felt it was all at my command and fate was a story that mankind told himself to justify cowardice and inaction.
Then everything crumbled into disarray and I was utterly lost in a world I thought I knew.
Before all that, there was a night club on Atlantic Ave in Delray Beach I went to Thursday nights.
The bouncer would always let me in... Under twenty one? Come on in, I didn't see a thing.
After my smile and greeting with a touch on the bicep for good measure.
We would dance for hours, Arcade Fire, M.I.A, Yeah Yeah Yeah's, The Velvet Underground, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, The Fiery Furnaces.
And clap I did, with my fiery hands and stomp about with velvet smooth feet. Shout and shout "Yeah!" above the booming bass and screaming riffs that enraptured and deafened me.
Swaying and gyrating and I loved every second of it.
Armed with nothing other then the collective power of good Grrrl friends, a couple of cans of Redbull and a bottle of Voss water on standby.
Such fun we had! I knew that Megan was insecure and I did my best to distract her and encourage her to just dance, I willed her to be as lost as I was.
Mostly, I was lost in my private rebellion, lost within the music and blossoming feminine power.
For I was finally single for the first time at the ripe and dauntless age of nineteen.
A husband and two children that had already happened.
Nothing could stop me then. The world was at my feet.
Holy shit, was I wrong.
Youth, it seems, the early twenties of one's life is an approximately five year bout in delusion and idealism.
I felt Niccolo's presence when he would arrive. I felt his eyes linger across my young, flowing limbs. I loved when he watched me, even though I never let him know that I knew he was watching me, we never flirted in public. That would not have been good for his business, Badbone Records was still relatively new. Aside from that, he had his marriage.
I do not think people should marry until they are around thirty, they have no idea who they are or what they want. Until then all their decisions are trial and error and loads of experimentation with a whole lot more error. I am fairly certain of this. The same could be said of any decision that means permeance Such as a career choice or a home. Yet, the way society has everything set up, they try to trap us from before kindergarten even begins.
With laughter, comrades of like minds, creative expression, poetry, philosophy and love, what that is beginning to look like without delusion.
The truth as I see it, as I recall it, above all else, truth is my job.
Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen