A frigid January night.
He was aware that we didn't have a sleeping bag.
He also knew our health was poor,
well, he left us alone in the hospital,
why wouldn't he leave us alone to freeze?
Do not condemn him, he suffers the duality as well.
while you continued to seek our oblivion, I knew this was heading nowhere that I belonged any longer nor anywhere I that wanted to be.
just boiled down to more suffering than solace.
we knew it.
Taking from her, using her, for whatever he could, calling her baby, whatever the fuck he had to.
He sought to fulfill his needs.
But, had we not done the same to him a year or so before that even began?
Remember Todd? Yes, you do, I remember.
You call out his sin, when you are guilty of missing the exact same marks!
So, I let you stay on that train.
The uniformed outreach team, whose blatant tangerine colored vests matched the decrepit benches, got on board our train car. They asked the older black man, two rows down, if he wanted to go indoors tonight.
He was sprawled out taking up the entire bench.
Homebum Wingnut status.
I watched through my hood and the dingy tendrils of hair that had fallen in front of my eyes as he groaned at them and lifted his coat over his face.
They were about to leave the car I was on.
That is when I looked to you.
This was what I was hoping for, my shot in the dark. Darker then dark.
I called out to them, only necessary words:
I was homeless. where they would take me if I were to go with them, (always prone to suspicion) asked if I had an I.D, No I did not. I asked if they were going to call the cops.
No, they weren't, only asking because they were going to have to drive me in their van to a drop in, deep in the Bronx. what it would be like there? I could take a shower, have breakfast in the morning, I could sleep in the warm indoors.
I didn't think on it long enough to allow you to talk me out of it. I left you on the train. I was sold on this half ass notion of perhaps altering my future, by taking a mere joy ride from Coney Island to Hunts Point.
You didn't like that much did ya?
(Who; refused to show any interest in changing for the better, no interest in acknowledging an exit, forget about taking it.)
When I still had not consumed a drop of alcohol since that night on the train with you.
When I drank, slept and lived with you, as one.
in our caress of mutual despair.
I eventually realized you were dead, that I had abandoned you, that you are an insidious evil bitch and a repugnant leech.
Especially in the dark.
That doesn't even mean that I don't love you.
You were once a part of me, almost my entirety.
This does mean, however, that I do not need you anymore.
Your ghost is not welcome here.
no more whispers in the night.
Rest in penitence and stay the fuck away from me will ya?