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Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Rest In Penitence.

You are a foul and selfish creature... 
Though I know that you only meant to bring me comfort when there was none to be found.

 I know it was you alone who was there for me when no one else was. 
My entire life, you were there, whispering what you thought I needed to hear. 
You used to even use my voice and impersonate me.  
 I had to kill you so I could fully live.
What do they say about the road to hell? 
Well, you have paved it and you can rest there now.

I choose to let you stay on the downtown F - Train at the Coney Island stop. 
 With drink in hand when I walked off, I left you mine as well- consider it a parting gift. 

Half asleep, the nightmare is there regardless of sleep. 
That was our way, that was our life. 
A perpetual nightmare we could not wake from, did we try? 
How far we fell! 
The night I severed our tie,
the best friend that referred to us as his "Wife" had
left us alone.
 A frigid January night. 
He was aware that we didn't have a sleeping bag. 
He also knew our health was poor,
 well, he left us alone in the hospital, 
why wouldn't he leave us alone to freeze? 
Do not condemn him, he suffers the duality as well.
We allowed him to think that his love didn't matter to us. 
We lied.

 while you continued to seek our oblivion, I knew this was heading nowhere that I belonged any longer nor anywhere I that wanted to be.

just boiled down to more suffering than solace.

 He was indoors with another girl on this night.
we knew it. 
Taking from her, using her, for whatever he could, calling her baby, whatever the fuck he had to. 
He sought to fulfill his needs. 
But, had we not done the same to him a year or so before that even began? 
Remember Todd? Yes, you do, I remember. 
You call out his sin, when you are guilty of missing the exact same marks! 

So, I let you stay on that train.

The uniformed outreach team, whose blatant tangerine colored vests matched the decrepit benches, got on board our train car. They asked the older black man, two rows down, if he wanted to go indoors tonight. 
He was sprawled out taking up the entire bench. 
Homebum Wingnut status.
I watched through my hood and the dingy tendrils of hair that had fallen in front of my eyes as he groaned at them and lifted his coat over his face. 
They were about to leave the car I was on. 
That is when I looked to you. 
This was what I was hoping for, my shot in the dark. Darker then dark.

The couple with the orange vests labeled B.R.C didn't even take notice of me, I must not have looked the part that particular night.
I called out to them, only necessary words:
 I was homeless.  where they would take me if I were to go with them, (always prone to suspicion) asked if I had an I.D, No I did not. I asked if they were going to call the cops.
 No, they weren't, only asking because they were going to have to drive me in their van to a drop in, deep in the Bronx. what it would be like there? I could take a shower, have breakfast in the morning, I could sleep in the warm indoors.
 I didn't think on it long enough to allow you to talk me out of it. I left you on the train. I was sold on this half ass notion of perhaps altering my future, by taking a mere joy ride from Coney Island to Hunts Point. 

You didn't like that much did ya?

I didn't know that I had killed you until months later.
When I was still sheltered and far away from Maverick.
(Who; refused to show any interest in changing for the better, no interest in acknowledging an exit, forget about taking it.)
 When I still had not consumed a drop of alcohol since that night on the train with you. 
When I drank, slept and lived with you, as one.
 in our caress of mutual despair. 

I eventually realized you were dead, that I had abandoned you, that you are an insidious evil bitch and a repugnant leech.
That doesn't mean I don't miss you baby girl! 
Especially in the dark. 
That doesn't even mean that I don't love you.
You were once a part of me, almost my entirety.

This does mean, however, that I do not need you anymore.
Your ghost is not welcome here.
no more whispers in the night.
Rest in penitence and stay the fuck away from me will ya?

 Mary, Mary, quite contrary huh? 

Ha! indeed.

Mary Catherine Cowardice Queen

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