A cigarette between my fingers.
Eyes follow the runnel of smoke upward.
That is so,
My eyes swell slightly with tears.
Moments such as this.
Equal in cold indifference.
Where choice was just another luxury not afforded me.
A blessing and the most I could hope for.
What it looked like or felt like, for having abandoning me to this.
The comort of purpose and simplicity.
Yet I can't be around them.
My life in jeopardy, the sliver of hope I cling to so tightly, could disappear in an instant.
No, I can only be an example at best; I can be there if they ever want help.
I know that pain so well.
Yet, I never thought I could know compassion so strongly.
I can not show them. They must find it, I know how it would be received.
Even if my body could take the booze, I want nothing to do with it.
But how welcome a warm and fleeting shot of Lethe can become.
That terrifies me and it should
Here I am with a rational fear, and snowfall.
I will end up among the best of the lot.
Perception and understanding shifts: