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Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Fear For a Child- Memoir Excerpt

I'm ripping it out. It's putrid. I'm suffocating

Here it is.

You must have  known they would start to put two and two together eventually.

You are the mirror for mediocrity and you are not even an ignorantly blissful breed of mediocre, a miserable  mediocre.
I should have had my friend tattoo "I Strive for Mediocrity" on your back instead. 
You were such a worm about it, letting me talk you into it when you didn't even like tattoos!
I hope you look at that everyday and cringe in shame. I loathed you before long before that though. Content with his shit job, and shit car and shit apartment. No hobbies, no interests in learning or challenging yourself. No ambitions. No clue as to what sort of gifts were within this girl.
You tried to keep me from my passions. You tried to keep the children from their blood. 
You preyed upun the wrong juvenile old man.

The fool still believes me the to be the one that scorned him.
 He forgets what he was long before I came around. But I did not.
Oh yes...Your little pill habit for opiate wimps. Your beer and your Pot smoking. 
Lethargic and useless slug. All day, every day. This was to be the way I was to live my late teens?

Hey there man! I'm a sweet sixteen and can be your own wet dream! 
A car, a limitless amount of cigarettes, someone lonely enough to buy me anything he could afford.  Looks like freedom to a cast out, institutionalized, runaway with daddy issues.
 Did you ever happen to mention to my children that the night we met?
How my wrists were still wrapped in gauze? I didn't think so, not the kind of love story you tell a kid about how there parents meet. 

Here's a little anecdote.
It's really quite funny, it goes something like this. It's okay to laugh. Just pretend it's not true.

 "A sixteen year old girl with her wrists all hacked up and bandaged, walks into an A.A meeting from some foster home. She goes in just wanting to bum a cigarette.  
There is only one other person in the room, the Chairperson! (Ha!) The poor girl see's he has a this NIN logo on the hat he is wearing and it reminds her of someone else. Then she ends up pregnant three months later by this 27 year old moron! " 

"We prefer attraction not promotion."
I think you might have misinterpreted that slogan.
Model of principle you are not.
How goddamn typical.
How god damned like me to have been so foolish.
It was you who contaminated me with your shame and your misery! 
You did. I was still free, I still had a choice! Who were and are you to take from me. 
I could have found another way.  But not you, deplorable you and your pathetic life, thought that you finally found a purpose. When you planted your seed in a young girl. 
So you thought I would feel the same? 
Are you a neanderthal? I was sixteen. 10 plus six. Get it!
You, I think It will take some kind of miracle for me to forgive.
I was so damn young that I thought a parasite was inside me. I never told you that. 

I was terrified of this growth inside me, what it felt like, what it meant inside your delusional mind! 
 Happily ever after! How differently I had felt. I can understand self delusion.
It's the other action's I can not wrap my head around yet.
 After he was born, I was in constant fear. 
I was always aware of the magnitude of my great responsibility, 
What man nearing thirty would even think of a sixteen year old in a sexual way?
Did you know that there is no statue of limitation for sex crimes in the state you caged me?
 A Pedophile? A sexual predator?
Or someone that was so desperate he had to cling to what made him feel like his existence mattered.
"Will you Marry me?!!" 
That was your response when I told you I was pregnant.
Of course I said yes. 
Through gritted teeth and a painfully forced smile. I labored the smile as I held my truth. 
 It was a great effort to pull on my cheek muscles like that. 
I had wanted you to to look concerned and horrified by the thought.  
Like a boy my own age would and should be. With  news like that like I was.
but you were nowhere near that age. You were not that boy with a Nine inch Nailed soul that I had fallen in love with a year prior. I should have stopped hanging around your apartment, smoking your cigarettes and accepting your money when I saw that you were nothing like him. 
Did I ever tell you that I was about to break it off right before that pregnancy test?
I was a child in the eyes of the law and in my naive decisions but my body disagreed.
 I was foolish enough to think I had been invincible!
The Great I am. 
(None of us are immune to that.)
"Really Jay, you got to be kidding me? What kind of a God would give me a kid!" 
I had said to my foster sister after she insisted that I take the test she bought me.  
You took them from me in 2006 when I feel in love.  
Someone my own age with passion's and ambition. 
I had told you time and time again that I did not want to be with you since before my daughter was conceived. I even tried to move out with my first born son and realized I couldn't afford childcare. I thought if the cage door opened I would fly. I didn't consider that I was trapped inside during the time I should have been learning about wings. 
I was stuck with you, my new warden .

 I asked for a divorce many times. Your reply was always the same, 
"If you want the divorce you can pay for it." 
I told you I loved my children but I did not love you. So you took them from me as soon as you finally understood that I meant it. 
You knew I had nothing and no one and I was to be utterly dependent on my young fickle love.  
You went to your big sister and told a tale of a disloyal wife. 
She believed you and thinks of me as an adulteress at best. 
I might feel something like that for my brother if he told me that lie too. 
The difference is that I know that contempt prior to investigation is .... fill in the blank.  
 I wanted a chance to blossom, to grow into the woman I am becoming. 
Because I wanted a life outside of the cage you built for me.
I wanted the thing's every sixteen year old in America wanted in 2002. 
You took my freedom and my youth. Then you took what had become left of the life I once had. 
The two children I carried in my womb for nine months. Two separate births.  Two years apart.
Sacrifice's that should be made out of selflessness out love and in maturity. I had neither at that age. Two beautiful children that carry my blood in their veins. 
Two children who now live in a situation they never asked for and deserve so much better. 
Without their mother all these years because I did not love you and refused to pretend. 
Living with a father who feeds them lies to hide his shame. 
You must be so fearful of the day that they fully realize what you did.
They will make up their own minds about you without me having to utter a single word. 
Unlike you I have facts on my side and nothing to hide. 
I do not impede upon others freedom to choose, unlike you.
I will forgive you if only for my own peace and my children's.
Even if that will me take another 10 years.
Until then, I choose to be civil at best.
Keep this in mind warden, when they ask me a question I will never lie to them.
Changes are heading your way. You cant hide forever.

Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen.

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