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Eyes Cast Downward- Memoir Excerpt

Originally hand written in July 2015 Late Spring of 2014.  Just Months before liver failure Our eyes are nearly always cast dow...

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Dr. Brewster

The questions they always pose are 
arranged for sentence long an answer. 
Yet when I respond accordingly they look confused.
as if my answer was somehow causing
conflicting ideas and they do. 
He spoke of "The average person..." and "Typically a..."
 I glare into his eyes and say 
"Average? There is nothing average about me, in this regard, you'll find that out soon enough.
 The quicker you do - the better. 
And typical? 

If you're going by textbooks and trying to put me into some predefined category, you will not find one." 
I do not say these things to intentionally be cross or condescending, nor even defensive. 
I want help, I was not mandated there, I sought it out, but I do have a certain amount of self-awareness that is not common among people with addictions.
 I believe he was taken aback by all of my frankness, awareness, intellect. 
Combined with the extent of my trauma and experiences and the resulting personality sitting in his office. 
All in such a brief amount of time, he didn't know what to think. I expected as much. 
 visit number two, he says, 
"What happened to the smiling and friendly girl that was in my office last week? 
I want to see her." He thinks this is a humorous request. He smiles and it spells fool on his front teeth.

I put my head in my hands and wipe away my tears. 
I breath in as deeply as I can, look at him again and say, 
"You just asked me about very emotionally charged and triggering subjects. 
Was I to feign some kind of apathy or peace
 -that I don't feel-
 regarding subjects that cause me distress? 
Please, if you can just ask the next question so I can check this off my to do list! 
I have wasted enough time!" 
My little outburst left him wondering if I was bipolar. 
God damn head shrinkers.
 I knew going into it that I would have a hard time finding someone who after getting a glimpse of my mind, would willingly take me on as a client or patient and be capable of what I know is a challenging case. 

I didn't let that stop my pursuit. 
If I am "ill" of mind then I wish to seek treatment.
But please know that I am not like any other
chess game you have played and mastered.
you need to forget your previous strategies.
Mary Catherine, Cowardice Queen

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